Baby Jace

As many of you know, I was recently pregnant with our third child.  We found out at 15 weeks that we were having a sweet baby boy.  A few days later we decided to name him Jace Reed Rowley.  Sadley at 19 weeks, we found out that we had lost him.  I was almost half way through my pregnancy.  Nobody knows the reason why. Even know it stings my heart and is so painful to write about.  However, I have been finding out how common it is to have a miscarriage.  So many women have experienced one.  Why have I not heard more about that.  I believe that we all have trials and experiences that not only help us and teach us, but can also be a help to someone else.  That is the reason that I even have this blog, I share personal stories, feelings, ect, with the hope that it might or could help someone who is having a similiar experince.  I am not really sure how this particular post could help, but I think by me sharing, it also helps me to grieve better and accept what is or what has happened. . . . So I would like to share with you my journal entries about Baby Jace, from the time we found out we were pregnant, to the time of his passing.  So here it goes. . .

Sunday May 13, 2012

Today was not only Mothers day, where I get to celebrate being the mother of these two sweet girls, but also I received another amazing gift. . . . This morning we found out that we are pregnant with baby #3.  I am so so so thrilled adn truely just filled with love and gratitude to my Heavenly Father for blessing our lives with these sweet children, his special spirits he created.  I could not have asked fror a more perfect gift!!!

June 16th 2012

So today was our first baby appointment.  I went by myself since daddy (Jeff) is super busy at work and Aunt sandy watched you girls. ( I have to explain when I write in my journal, I write to my children. . the journal entries are mostley for them!). . .I found out that I have lost almost 10 pounds from just being nauseous all the time and not wanting to eat.  But the best part is they do an ultrasound on your first appointment.  So I got to see our sweet baby for the first time.  This baby is only 1 inch long.  I am exactley 9 weeks along. and the heartbeat is 180.  We are so so so excited!!!  Usually I hear the hearbeat can determine the gender of the baby.  They say a fast hearbeat is a girl and a slow heartbeat is a boy.  But my doctor said that is just a myth and not to believe it.  There is really no way to tell.  We are just so so so so excited!!!!

July 16th. 2012
Second baby appointment today.  I lost another 6 pounds.  But they are not worried.  Baby is doing great and hearbeat is 160.  They said it is completely normal for the hearbeat to lower that much because the baby is getting bigger.

Tuesday July 31st. . . . ITS A BOY!!!

Today @ 1:00 Jeff, me, Abby and Maylee drove to provo to my doctors to find out if we are having a baby girl or a boy
I am happy to announce that we are having a sweet baby BOY!!!!!!
I started to tear up when we saw our sweet baby boy in the ultrasound.  and JEff was just thrilled as can bee.  He love loves our girls more then anything  but he has been watiing for a baby boy!!  I am so thankful to our Heavenly Father who has blessed us so much and trusted us with thses sweet spirits. How much love and joy these children bring into our lives is just amazing!!  We can not be happier and am so grateful!! 
So usually the first boy born in JEffs family has the initials J.R.R.  Jeffs favorite names are Jaxon and Jerald, and my favorite are Justin and Jesse, but we both love and agree on the name Jacen and call him Jace for short.  So we are thinking Jacen Reed Rowley!!  but we still have 5 months to finalize that.
I am just so stinking excited and Abby and Maylee are thrilled to be gettinga  baby brother.  We are all just anxiously waiting for the day we can hold him in our arms and surround him in our Love!!

October 2 2012 ( Our Beloved Loss)

The last month this journal has been starring at me from my nightstand every night and every morning when I am in bed.  But the heartache and sorrow I have been going through has been so heavy to bare that I could not find the strength to pick up my pen and write about it, because writing only intensifies my emotions that much more.  but 5 weeks later I have come to the realization that for me to try to heal and mend what is broken, I need to fully express my feelings through writing. . . and so this is my story. . . .

On July 31st we were so blessed, pleased, and overly excited to find out we were pregnant with a sweet baby boy.  Less then two days later we decied his name is Jace Reed Rowley. from that time on, everything has been about preparing for our Little Jace to come.  Planning his nursery, shopping the baby sections and just getting so so excited. 
Being 17 weeks pregnant I was shopping with Abby and Maylee at walmart.  We were in the bread isle when I started to feel a strong pull on my right side.  then the pull came again.  This time I stopped, rubbed my stomach, and I could feel my baby moving on the inside, tears instantly filled my eyes and I couldnt wipe the smile away.  It was the first moment I truley felt the connection with him.  I was filled with so much love and excitment for this sweet little one to be born.

Week 18. . . . I started to have an uneasy feeling that something was not right.  It wasnt a strong feeling just uneasy.  However I could no longer feel any movements.  everything was quiet and still.  I felt empty and if I was not even pregnant.  But again it was not a strong feeling, that something was wrong, just a confusing and unsure moment, but I always think the worst and decided it was just a change in the trimesters and that things woudl be fine.
The following Sunday I got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and to my suprise there was a browinsh weird discharge that came out. . not very much, but I instantly had the strongest feeling that something was def wrong.  I woke up Jeff and told him I was really scared, but he assured me everything would be okay.  He too knows I panic easy and think the worst. . . but the fear would not leave me so I tried praying for comfort to know that everything would be okay, but I couldnt even say the words before I knew the truth. . . Our baby was gone.  . . . but even knowing in my heart the truth, my head would grasp it, I didnt want to believe it, so I hung on to the hope that I was wrong, and I wanted more then anything to be wrong.  I didnt sleep again, just layed on my pillow and cried the silent tears of sorrow and fear. ..

The next morning (August 27 2012) I called the doctor the second they opened and told them I was scared that something was wrong, they told me to come in and get a heartbeat check.  I told myself if I rush it I am just going to get myself all worked up over nothing cause everything is fine, so dont panic Aimee, dont panic, just take it one breath at a time and stay calm.  So I scheduled an appointment for later that afternoon.  I took Abby and Maylee with me, still hoping I was wrong, and everything was going to be fine. I didnt want to ask anyone to watch them and give the impressions that I was scared, cause I just wanted to be wrong. . . I started to feel calmer driving over there, and I thought ohh good I am feeling calm cause everything is going to be okay, but the second I thought that, I knew what the doctors were going to tell me and that I was only feeling calm because Heavenly Father was telling me that it was going to be okay. 

I guess Jeff after he left for work that morning, had the same feelings that I was having, and he thought about coming home to give me a blessing and when he thought about what he would say, he said he wanted to bless me to know that everything was going to be fine, that the baby was going to be healthy and not in any harm, but he said the words that came to his mind instead was that the baby woudl not be healthy but everything will be okay.  and I would be comforted in this time. . . so not wanting to scare me any more, he decided to not come and give me a blessing, cause he too was hoping that we were wrong.

When I got to the doctors, they took me into the office and tried to find a hearbeat but couldnt.  Maylee was scared and wouldnt let go of me and was laying beside me crying. . . so finally two of the nurses asked Maylee and Abby if they wanted to go get some suckers. . Maylee never goes to anyone, but she reached her arms out and let the nurse carry her into the hall.  That was a blessing needed, and the nurses kept them at the desk in the hall ,coloring, and eating treats, and getting stickers. . . Another nurse came in ( the doctors daughter) and tried to get a hearbeat and couldnt so they rushed me to the ultrasound room and as soon as the camera touched my tummy, and the image of my baby floating lifeless, curled up and upside facedown, I absolutley knew this was a reality.  The nurse said, I am so sorry Aimee, I think you know, he is gone.  "

I thought about dropping to my knees right then and there in that small dark room, and pleading with Heavenly Father for a miracle.  But I knew in my heart that was not his plan, that he had a different plan for our baby.  The nurses called Jeff who was in Salt Lake doing work errands with his dad, to come right in.  Luckily he was only 20 minutes away.  I was blessed to have the nurses I did there with me at that moment because they too have had miscarriages and were so loving and understanding and comforting as they could be.
They took me back into the first room I was in and gave me a glass of ice water.  I just stared at it watching the ice melt.  They contiuned to try and soothe me until Jeff came.  I felt as if I had let Jeff down.  and everyone else for that matter.  I know how excited he was to have a son, and how he has longed for this, and everyone else too was so excited to get a grandson. . . and even though I knew it wasnt my fault, I couldnt stop aapologizing to Jeff.  He kept assuring me that it wasnt my fault, that there was a greater plan for him. and in my heart I knew that was true, but I couldnt wrap my mind around it, I coudlnt stop myself from thinking of everything and anything that I could have done that caused this. . . . eating too much tomatoes and vinegar, excerising, ect,. . . but the doctor said there was nothing I did to cause this and nothing they could do or could have done to prevent it, Even if his heart stopped on the table, they couldnt have done anything to fix it.  Its just part of a greater plan, he said, and the doctor even though he is a different religion then me, said, All though science has all the studies, the tests, theries, and explanations, we know that all things are in Gods hands, that he is in control. and he knows what is best and we just need to trust him.  I found out that my doctor has also lost two children, one was 1 1/2 years old and the other just one day old. 

On this day, August 27 that we found out our baby had passed away, I was excatley 19 weeks pregnant.  Almost 20 weeks.  That is half way through my pregnanccy. They told me aynthing over 20 weeks is considered a still born so we were right on the border.  but they think he has been gone for about a week now so they gave us three options.
1     wait for mother nature to take its course and go into labor naturally
2       be induced and have forced labor but it takes 20-24 hours but then you can have the option to hold your baby, take pictures, or do footprint moldings, and then decide if you will burry him or have the hospital take care of it
3      do a DNC which is where they put you to sleep parially dialate you then go in and remove everything, you wake up and its done.

we were instucted to go home and think about it then call with our answer.

When we opened the door to go into the hall, I was never so happy to see my two sweet daughters who had been coloring such sweet precious pictures for us.  I hugged them so tight and didnt want to let go.  We decided not to tell them until we got home that night. 

Since the orginal plan was for us to meet after my appointment and go to the passport office to get our passports for Cancun, we decided we would still go, but when it came time for our turn, I could not even think. . I forogot half of the money, She asked me to write my address down on the envelope and I had to ask her three times what I was supposed to do, all I could do was stare at the envelope, it was like in the movie where everything goes to super super slow motion and you cant understand a thing anyone is saying and I could not even remember my Address, I asked Jeff what our address was, and he decided it was best to leave and come back later. . . .
On the way home we called our parents and they were so heartbroken for us and grieved with us. 
but we asked to just be alone for the rest of the night cause I needed to just be with my girls.
That night we had family night and told the girls what had happened and how Heavenly Father has a different plan for our little boy.  We made a teaching moment about it and our pupose on earth and etenal life and exhaltation. . . Maylee doesnt undestand yet, since she is only two, but Abby was sad and wished she could play with him.  Abby has been praying in all her prayers that her baby brother will know how loved he is and that he can be healthy.  So we assured her that he still knows how loved he is and he has felt that every prayer she has said.  And that he is healthy, just in a different way.  Abby was to start kindergarten in the morning. 

That night I cried myself to sleep but kep awaking to the reality that felt like a nightmare and being scared to amke the wrong decision.

THE SURGERY

Jeff and I decided early on that we wanted to take the second option,.  I wanted to be induced and have labor forced upon me in the hopes that I would at least be able to hold him, just once.  But to have to burry him seemed so heartwrenching and daunting but to have the hospital take care of it seems so cruel and inhumane.  but we decided to go ahead with the option of burrying him.  That morning Jeff, me and Maylee took Abby to her first day of kindergarten. she looked darling and was so excited ( another story I need to still write about) we came home and I called the nurse to let her know we decided on the 24 hour labor.  she asked if I heard about the third option and I said yes but we dont want to do that.  So she said she would schedule the appointment and call me back.  A couple of hours later she called me back and told me she didnt feel right about the situation.  so she went back through the ultrasound and did measurements and really studied it and realized that the baby was detiorating very rapidly and was not the size of a 19 weeks old baby, that he was really really small and that all the components nay not be in place anymore because his body is caing in and is just deteriating so fast.  She told me she never tells her patients what to do, but in this case she feels that really my only option is the third option, the DNC.  if I was to do any other option I would have regrets and what I saw would be haunting because it would look nothing like a baby, not even put together all the way.  She apologized for being so graphic but she felt like she needed to tell me.  And really as hard as that was to hear, I needed her to be so truthful and it was a blessing that she went back and studied that more, because this literally was a decsion I was scared to make for fear of making the wrong one.

August 30th was my surgery, JEff and I had to be at the hospital at 6:00 am so my mom came over really early and watched the girls.  The first room they took me into I just started to sob when they closed the door because it was the tiniest room with no window or decorations and just a tiny little bed and the equipment.  This was not how I wanted it to be.. . delivering him in a cold small room on a hard small bed. . . but I found out this was just the room to sedate me, then once I am asleep they wheel me into the operation room and then back in here to recover.  The set up process all went great and as soon as that anthestia pumped through my body, I was so happy and giggly and felt so good.  The next thing I know I woke up and tried to sit up, but couldnt and I just lifted me head and looked over and saw two other patients laying in beds, then a nurse ran to me and I asked her if they had lost their babies too and she said no. . . and then I was back asleep again. . . I woke up again and was still in the operation room, but had to go to the bathroom so bad I felt as if I was going to wet the bed, so they rushed me to the bathroom, and not too be too graphic, but I bled so heavily. . . after three times of getting up to use the restroom, my blood pressure dropped down to 74/20 and I was about to pass out. . . ( normally the whole process from the time of check in to the time of check out only takes about 4 hours, ) because I was so far along in my pregnany, 20 weeks to date, I was bleeding alot more then most patients, and so they kept me there alot longer and kept pumping me full of that happy medicine that makes you feel like you are floating and giggle and just so happy but super super sleepy.  Poor Jeff sat with me the whole time in the hardest rock chair, in that tiny small room with no decorations, and a cold hard bed. . . after 12 hours of being there they finally let me go home.   I was so full of that medicine or happy juice that when I got home I felt so calm and happy and thought, okay everything is going to be okay. . . .

My Gesthesemne

The next morning I woke up and that happy juice was gone and reality hit me again. . . . That night I went to bed feeling so empty because with the surgery over and his body removed, I felt as if I had nothing left to connect me to him.  He was completely gone, feeling so empty I sat in my bed and looked out into the sky wondering where exactley Heaven was because at this moment it felt so so far away.  From the time we found out that our baby had passed away I have tried several times to pray, but for some resason I could not get the words out because everything felt so dark and empty and alone.  I knew that God hears our prayeres, but for some reason I could not feel him near as I tried to pray.

I have been finding comfort or what little comfort I can in the love and support of family and friends, and in reading the sriptures and listening to the piano melody of hymns but the biggest comfort has come through My sweet girls.  Being able to hold my girls, kiss their cheeks, hug them tight, smell their hair, hear them giggle, feel their sweet kisses on my cheek and to watch their chests rise and fall as they breathe the sweet breath of life.  I would do this every night.  Just lay beside them and watch them breath and Thank God for them.
But this particular night, I began to be so sorrowful that I would never be able to do this with my son.  Never hold him, and feel his warmth, never feel his breath again my skin, never kiss his soft cheeks, never see him smile or hear his giggle, or smell his hair, or watch him peacefully dream at night. thse thoughts consumed me so much that I was brought down to the depths of my angusih and sorows that I physically could not bare it alone. . . I began to pour out my whole sould unto God, Out loud, every emotion, and worry and fear and question I poured out unto him pleading adn begging to feel a connection to my son, so that I could know that he knew with out a doubt my love for him, and that I could know with out a doubt that he is happy and okay.  I yearned and ached for that connection and prayed with more emption then I ever have, so much that the pain  in my heart was so intense I felt as if it might cause my heart to literally burst from the emotions I was sobbing out.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and still. . . . . . . the love and comfort I was so desperatly needing and seeking, did not come.  I never in my life have fel to alone and empty when I prated as I did at that moment.  I looed again outside my window but even the light of the sky I could not see.  My room was instantly filled with darkness so much that I began to be afaid.  I quickely turned on the light and in my head I sang the words of hymns that comfort me, still crying myself to sleep. . . ( I have to mention, during this time, Jeff had fallen asleep next to the girls in their bed while reading stories to them, that is why he was not with me at the time). . .

It has been 5 weeks now since we found out and still that connection I am seeking for has not come and perhaps it never will.  Perhaps that is part of the trial that i need to endure, to trust blindly and wholeheartedly in Heavenly Father and his plan for us without having a witness. 
Through this time I have been thinking of two scriptures that keep coming to my mind. . . . One where Jesus is hanging on the cross in all his agony and he cries out " My God My God why hast thou forsake me?"
and the other when Jesus appears unto his disciple Thomas and he tells Thomas blessed art thou Thomas because thou has seen thou has believed, but how much more blessed are they who do not see but still believe.'
I believe, I believe, I believe that all things our in our Heavenly Fathers hands and that he truley loves and blesses us for our good. I know that this life is a time to prepare, we will be tried and tested and have sorrows and heartaches of all kinds. but I know that when we faithfully endure these trials it will mold and shape us and prepare us for whats to come and to take our place with God as an eternal family.  I pray and strive to do everthing I can to make it to that kingdom so we can be with our Son as an eternal family forever!  I know that I am full of weakneses and that I fail sometimes but I know that through our loving Sacrifices for us,. he can make us whole and clean and when equally yoked with him he will carry us to the eternities. I am so grateful to Him my Saviour and his infinite love for us that allows us to overcome all things and gives us the stregnth to do so.  I love him and forever am indebted to him.  Until we meet again at his feet!

Endless Circle of Love

Wow I can not believe it is already 2012!!!  Can I just say, this already had been one of the best years so far!!  I love New beginnings, I love feeling like at the end of of a year you can toss out any trash that has been in your life, any excess weight, or negative baggage, all past mistakes, all contentions, all the trials and heartache and things that went wrong that year.   I feel at the end of the year I get to toss those out of my life, keeping with me only the good times, the lessons I learned from the bad times, and most importantly clinging to LOVE and with that love starting new and fresh and beginning the next chapter in my life. 

This morning I woke up to the sound of my two sweet girls giggling in their bedroom, I went to go check on them and Maylee had crawled into bed next to Abby and they were sharing a pillow, lying under the covers and just giggling and playing.  A few minutes later they both came and jumped in bed with us and we listened as Abby told us her dreams, and Maylee played with her kitty, and we just enjoyed the morning laughing and havin a good time.  I thought back to when I was a younger girl and loved to play house, and pretend that I had a husband, and that my babies dolls were real babies I got to take care of. And for a brief moment I felt like I was playing house again.  Everything was perfect as if I had always imagined.   I am married to a great man who loves us and strives daily to live his life in accordance with the gospel so he can bring blessing to our family through his rightous desires.   We have two beautiful daughters who love eachother more then anything and are truley best friends.   They are the best gifts I have ever received from our Heavenly Father and I am ever so grateful.   Our home this morning was filled with laughter and love and happy times and just the peacefull bliss that makes a home truley a home, and I realized that my reality is truley a great one!!   Some people are blessed with richnessess in money and have all the materlistic things they can ever dream of, but I am thankful to be blessed with the richness of LOVE.  We might have our struggles with finances, with organizations, with being on a schedule, but our home is a home of love and a home where the spirit can truley reside.  and that is true richness. 

So there are two words that sum up the new year and that is GRATITUDE and LOVE!   I have so much gratitude for our loving Heavenly Father who loves us so much that he has provided us with his gospel, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and with the answers and way to live a life full of meaning, and purpose and safety and love.   I know this life is a time to be tested and tried in all things, and that we are meant to have trials and struggles, that we are made aware of our weaknesses and that it just plain isnt easy.  But I KNOW that when we trust in our Heavenly Father and strive to live our lives in accordance with his plan, that these trials, weakness, heartaches, and struggles, will only make us stronger, and bless our life in the end.  I truley believe that in every storm there is a rainbow, in other words with every struggle comes more then one but many   blessings that await us.  So I am grateful to my Heavenly Father and to my Savior Jesus Christ that through his atonement we can be cleansed from our imperfections, we can be strengthened in our trials, we can be comforted in our heartaches and we can gain strength in all things, that through his LOVE we can be blessed and made a better person.   There is so much love in this life, there is so much goodness to take ahold of and I am grateful for that. 

Through all of the knowledge I have learned, the most important thing I have learned is just how much Heavenly Father loves us.   I know that we are not alone, I know that we can rely upon him and trust in him and be blessed.  So this year I want to focus more on the blessings in my life instead of the trials, I want to change my focus to have my eye on that ever shining beacon of light so that when the storms and trails of life come, I can have confidence in not only in my heavenly father but in myself also to know that all things will work out and be for my good.   So here is to the new year, 2012 and the many blessings and adventures that await us.  

I love this months message by the first presideny of the church, "Living the Abundent Life"
"William James, a pioneering American psychologist and philosopher, wrote, “The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives."

So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment.

Charles Swindoll—author, educator, and Christian pastor—said: “Attitude, to me, is more important than … the past, … than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.”

We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. For maximum happiness, peace, and contentment, may we choose a positive attitude.

Be honest with yourself, with others, and with your Heavenly Father. One who was not honest with God until it was too late was Cardinal Wolsey who, according to Shakespeare, spent a long life in service to three sovereigns and enjoyed wealth and power. Finally, he was shorn of his power and possessions by an impatient king. Cardinal Wolsey cried:

Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities.

C is for courage. Courage becomes a worthwhile and meaningful virtue when it is regarded not so much as a willingness to die manfully but as a determination to live decently.

Said the American essayist and poet Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide on, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”⁵

There will be times when you will be frightened and discouraged. You may feel that you are defeated. The odds of obtaining victory may appear overwhelming. At times you may feel like David trying to fight Goliath. But remember—David did win!

Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one’s coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve.

Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should such be required. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

These were my favorite parts from their article, which is almost he whole article but this really sums up my feelings that I have had these last few months and what I want to strive for in my life.   So here is to the new year, 2012 and living a more abudent life!!!!

Scriptures, the ever flowing fountain of Knowledge and Answers!!

Can I just say I really really love reading the scriptures!!  Confession, I dont do it near as often as I should which is so ironic since when I do read, I always have something that sticks out and affects me and I take into my heart and little by little it helps me become more of a better person and more towards the mother, wife, daughter, friend, ect that I hope to be.   So why do I not make more time to read???   Well I have been trying a new approach.  As those of you who know me, know that I have two beautiful wonderful daughters who just complete me and fill my life with meaning and happiness beyond anything I could imagine or hope for!  Those of you also know that my two daughters are very different from eachother.   Abby is all girl and so sensitive and caring and wears her heart on her sleeve, and Maylee is stocky and loud hates dresses and bows but loves hats, and just full of games and laughter and loves to tease and is so daring and laughs at everything even when she is in trouble.   They are so fun, but with such different personalities, what works for one girl does not work for another and how do I know the correct way to teach my girls the things they need to know that are neccessary for their growth and their future?

Well the only thing I could think of was go to the gospel resources for help cause noone knows better then our Heavenly Father what the needs of our children our.   As I was at the store oneday shopping for something else,  I came across a book that was just what I was looking for  "What the scriputres teach us about Raising a child"  - by S. Michael Wilcox.  I was instantly excited purchased this book came home and within the first few pages I felt like this book was wrote to answer every single question and worry I have had. . .. I love it!!!!  These are some of my favorite quotes that I have read so far. . . . .

Okay first of all this is the intro and the author is talking about where we can find the most answers. . . . .
"I can say without hesitation that among all the book and articles I have read over the years about raising a child, none has proved as valuable as the scriptures.  They carry an authority and a convincing spirit even the most skilled and learned advisors do not.  They provide examples and plainspoken admonition.  They hold within their pages the wisdom of six thousand years and, therefore, are to a great degree immune from the trends adn societal experimentation of a changing world.  It is suprising how much one can find within their pages when we approach them with the single objective in mind of raising children.  , , , , The scriptures are inexhaustible, and no one has mastered them except the Master himself, though he has promised he will guide the least of us through them if we ask.  May these thoughts generate an interest and a curiosity in you to search the Lord's word for encouragment and revelation to bless you in your parenting, the most intensly critical-and magnificently fulfilling- of all vocations.  May you have the comfort - as you experience all the frustrations, apprehensions, and anxieties, as well as the elations, delights, and joys of being a mother or father - that the Savior himself lovingly spoke of your calling:
"And he took a child, and set him in the midst of them: and when he has taken him in his arms he said unto them, Whoesoever shall receive one of such children, in my name, receiveth me, and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me" (Mark 9:36-37) 
"Having a child in our home may be the closest thing to having the Father and Son themselves within our walls."

I love that, and it is so true, how many times can we read the scriptures over and over the same verse over and over and each time we learn something new depending on our situation.  The thing I love most about this is these children are so precious and good and truley a gift of love from our our father in heaven and what a responsibility we as parents have to care for, nurture, protect, and teach and love unconditionally as our Father in Heaven does.  We can not do it alone, we do not have all the answers and when we think we do, we are wrong and will be quickly humbled.  I believe the only way to truley suceed in raising righteous children who love the lord and want to do good, is to constantly be on our knees asking and listening for our Heavenly Fathers guidance, and studying the scriptures, which provide so many answers to our prayers.  I believe with that hope and faith and diligence, with the guidance of Heavenly Father, then no matter how hard the advesary tries, he can not prevail over us and our attempt to rightously teach and raise our children.  I do realize though that when our children our old enough to act for themselves, which they must, then we can not take that free agency away from them, Hopefully they will not fall into the temptation of the World, but sadly we know that  some will stray and struggle and go down the wrong path, but in those cases we can only pray that the roots of the gospel we planted within in will oneday bring them back home.   I am so grateful for the gospel.  I can not imagine going through life, especially while raising two sweet innocent and lovely daughters in this world and not being overcome withe fear and confusion.  The gospel is what gives me hope, the gospel of Jesus Christ is what gives me a sure foundation and comfort in knowing that when the winds and storms of the advesary come, it will not beat me and my family down and tear us apart, cause the gospel of Jesus Christ is what holds us together and allows us to overcome and prevail anything so long as we are worthy and have the faith to do so!

Here is another quote that I love, which i still in the intro. . . . . .
"We have seen decline and decay in countless civilizations that, in time removed themselves from the land through self-destructive practices.  What bring staying power? How can nations grow, flourish, and remain?

"I believe that asnwer lies in that brief promise sounded through the thunder of Sinai. In the family!!  In the mutual respect and love of mother and father, parent and child1  The child who learns courtesy, consideration, respect, civility, selflessness, control, and industry in a home will take those qualities into his or her wider world.  Our culture will survive only if the roots of permanent and lasting human relationships are fostered, nurtured, and refined in the home of its people. . . . . . When a child learns the fundamental lessons of human interdependence in the family, he or she will know how to transfer those lessons to a more extensive milieu.  Here is the hope and the help so many search for but fail to find.  If we would bless and heal our society, our gaze need reach no farther than our own walls.  What kind of people will we send into the broader world from the moral schoolhouse of our homes?"

I love this quote I believe it is so so true.  So many blame the leaders of our country and goverement for a falling and decaying society, but few look inward and see where they can make a difference.  What are we doing in the home?   What are we teaching our children??  And those who do not have children yet or are unable to, I am sure that you have some role or teacher experience invovling children, whether a school teacher, a aunt, a sister, a neighbor, a teacher in anyway, (dance, sports, music, church calling,) all of these roles have a significant impact on children?   What type of example and lessons are you leaving behind??  What are we doing with our time while in the home??  Are we spending the time watching T.V., being on the computer or whatever media objects?  Or are we taking the time to play, to teach, to listen to, to spend qualitiy time with our children?  18 years of their life does not seem like time enough to teach them all they need to know so when they go our on their own and start their own life, they will have enough foundation and knowledge and testimony to succeed!  Time is so short and we need not waste it!

One last quote I will share with you which is in Chapter one called ( The Divine Apprenticeship)

"Godhood is parenthood of a grand magnitude, but before we can progress to that degree of glory, we are given the opportunity to learn here on earth the essential principles of parenthood.  . . . . . . When we feel the jopys, the quiet satisfactions, or the pleasing compensations of a father or a mother, we enter in a minute degree into the mind and heart of God.  When we experience the pains, the dissappointments, and the sometimes crushing sorrows of those same roles, we also comprehend the sould of Deity.  There is no school for developing character nor for attaining the attributes and perfections of godliness like raising a child.  There is no accomplishment which will require greater dedication, intellect, and the refined emptions of the soul than to raise a child to dignity, independence, and holiness in a decadent and fallen world.  . . . . . . . . In the lifht of these overewhelming possiblites both for ourselves and our children, it would not be suprising to believe, even to expect that the Eternal Father would have some counsel to offer us regarding our roles as fathers and mothers.. . . . . . . . . .we would be less than astute if we did not also seek to use the Lords manual, his handbook, for he is the Father of fathers, and not amount of earthly understanding can equal what he could suggest to anxious parents desiring to be wise.. . . . . . . . . .. Where is the apprectice's manual, the hand-on, do -it-yourself instructions?  As in so many varied ares of life, the scriptures are sufficient for our needs, and we can discover rather quickely how much counsel they offer when we read them searchingly with a parents mind.  With godly perception the Lord has inspired the writers and compilers of sacred writ to include within those pages stories, examples, and instructions necessary to give us direction.  With that focuse comes a calming influence the scriptures uniquely supply to enable us under the direction of the Holy Spirit, to apply those lessons to our own families with their varied challenges and personalities.  It is to the scriptures we can and should turn in this most critical of mortal apprencticeships."


Okay those are my thoughts and favorite quotes that I wanted to share, cause they have been the answers to my questions and the calm to my worry. . . . I hope they can help some of you as well.

Much Love. . . Aimee

Journals entries, part two

Journals Entries

Saturday November 21 2009  (journal entry)

My sweey Angel Abbygale I wish you could know just how much I really really love you with all my heart and more!  I never thought it was possible to love something/someone so much until I had you and my cup runneth over with love.  One day you will know how scary it is to be a mother.  To be responsible for the most important most special little girl that you are and to try to protect you from all the evilness of the world.  Every time I hear of something bad on the news happening to an innocent little girl, I jjust want to glue you to my side so I can always protect you.  i wake up 2-3 times in the night just ot make sure that you are okay and safe.  I love you so much and I nver want anything bad to happen to you.  Abby you are so smart and you have this strong sweet spirit!  You are always the first to make me or anyone else happy with your bigs hugs and sweet kisses you have that special gift of cheering people up and sunshine into their lives.  You really are a special girl and I hope you will always remember that!. . . . . Yesterday you and me went to get our hair done at the avenue salone.  It was your very 1st hair cut and oh its so cute!  While I got my hair colored and cut you played with Suade, my hairstylists little 3 year old boy.  You are just 2 1/2 and you were so good to share all yor toys and had so much fun playing with him.  When it was time to go Suade cried cause he wanted you to stay!. . . . . . Last night Daddy went overnight with the Young Men and I had to go to work so I took you to go play with Grammy at her house, when we got there we saw that her kitty had gotten ran over and was in so much pain. So grammy and you took him to the vet so the kitty could go live with Heavenly Father.  You wre Grammys little anhel and kept hugging her and giving her kisses and making her feel better.  Abby you are just so special!  I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!

December 7th 2009

Its A girl!!!!!   So today, well we are just so dang excited. . . . . we found our that we are having another baby girl!!!!  We are so blessed to have two little sweet girls.  Abby is so ecited to have a baby sister.  We are 16 weeks along but we wanted to find out before Christmas what we were having cause we are just too excited to wait!  So this afternoon Daddy you and me drove to Provo to the doctors.  It was really really snowy today.    . . . Last night we all stayed in a condo overnight in midway/heber for a fun mini family vacation.  It was St Nicholas Tag so Abby you set your slippers out by the door before we fell asleep and this morning you woke up and found that the elves had been there and filled up your slippers with treats cause you were a good girl all year long.  We had so so much fun together and this morning we woke up to tonz and tonz of Snow.  SO this afternoon we drove straight from our condo to the docotrs to find out.   Abby you fell asleep on the way you were so so tired, but we woke you up in time to see the ultrasound.  Itwas kind fo hard to tell at first but the nurse said you are having a . . . . . GIRL!   YAAAHHH!!!!  We got alot of cute picture and are just so darn excited!  Next appointment will be the 20 week checkup so we get to see our cute baby girl again and have a video and all YAAHHH!!    LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!

May 12 2010  (journal entry)
******HOORAY*********
How can you even put into words the love and joy I am feeling.  My heart is just going to burst like a skittle rainbow and rain drops of love that will flood my life forever and ever!
Our sweet Maylee Dawn Rowley was born Wed May 12 2010 @ 5:42 pm she weighed 7lbs 10 oz and 20 inches long.  and is the perfect sweet bundle of joy!  My due date was not till the 20th but the doctor said she is ready and we can get induced as early as May 12 so we did.  . . . . . . . . (In this entry I wrote all the birth details, but in the post I am leaving those out). . . . . Oh Abby is so proud to be a big sister.  She is the sweetest most loving tenderest big sister.  She just layed by me on the bed after Maylee was born and just held her and couldnt stop kissing her tiny cheeks and forhear.  I cant even tell you enoujgh how blessed I fell to be the mother of two very beautiful special girls who feel my heart with happiness and love and gibe meaning to my life.. . . . . . . ( more birth details I will leave out in the post). . . . . My sweet Maylee I have to tell you that before you were born Daddy gave me a blessing to bless met hat everything would go well and we would be healthy and happy, cause I was getting so scared that something woudl go wrong.  Grammy, gramma and grandpa rowley applegate and gramma and grampa rowley werea ll there in the room and when the doctocr said its time and everyone went out to wait in the hall.  It wasnt more then two minutes later and you were born.  I cant even tell you the feeling in the room.  The spirit was so strong and so much love filled that room. Maylee you were not alone when you came through that veil!  Infact the feeling was so powerful it brought everyone to tears. . . . . ( more sacred details that I will not share in this post). . . . . . The veil was defentialy very very thin and we could all feel the precense of loved ones from the other side, there in the room with us.  It was so very special!  . . . . . . . .That night after you were born, Daddy took Abby home to be with her and so you and I got to have the first 48 hours with just he two of us.. You slept in my room cause I didnt want to put you in the nursery I just wanted to hold you and watch you sleep and just cant get enough.  I love you so much and you are so so very beautiful!   I am the luckiest mommy in the whole world!  I love love love you with all my heart girls!



May 12 2011  (journal entry)

(Maylees 1 year old birthday, my entree has alot of birthday partty details and stuff which I wont share in this post but here is a few parts that I do want to share). . . . . . .

   Maylee I love you with every fiber of my being.  Its so amazing how much love a mother has for each of her children.  All though each child is unique and different the love I have for you and Abby is incredibly mulitiplied and just so strong and constand and everyday that love just grows more and more and more and my cup runneth over.   I look into your beautiful eyes and hold your tiny little hnad and think of how you have your whole life ahead of you.  There will be laughter and excitement, celebrations, but you will also have moments of heartache and sadness confusion and frustrations. but through it all I want you to know that you never need to shed a single tear alone.  because I will ALWAYS and FOREVER be the first one to comfort you, dry your tears and reassure you of your beauty, your strength, your amazing talents and no matter what you have done, or mistakes that you have made, my love wtih never ever ever lessen.  I would only be here with open arms praying for you and your happiness.  I know now you are only 1 years old but i hope you will know this for the rest of your life that I Love Love Love you my Maylee!

May 26 2011 (journal entree  abbys 4th birthday)

Oh my sweet Abby  I cant believe that you are already 4 wow how fast the times has come and gone.  Abby you are my sunshine!  You are the sweetest girl ever adn I am not just saying that cause I am your mother.  I am positive that no other 4 year old is as sweet, caring and giving as you!  Even your teachers tell me so!  YOu are always making cards, coloring pictures, picking flowers for everyone throwing suprised birthday parites, you just always want to give suprises to everyone to help the feel loved and special.  Youa re the sweetest sister to Maylee.  You share everthiny with her even your favorite toys and jewelry and it is the sweetest thing ever.  WE have two dogs now and Maylee is really scared of them.  Yesterday Abby you told me that when you see the dogs coming towards Maylee like they are going to jump on her, that you jump in front of maylee and hold your arms and legs out and you yell at the dogs to leave your sister alone, you told me you do that to protect your sister so she doesnt get hurt cause you dont want her to be scared.  You totallly would take the fall for her to protect her and it is the sweetest thing ever especially where you are just barely 4 and is so tiny as you are.!   . . . . I cant even tell you enough how much i love you and Maylee!  I do tell you all the time almost every day, "I love you to the moon and back.  I love you more then all the stars in the heaven, I love you more then all the grains of sand on the beaches, and every day that love  continues to grow stronger by the thousands and thousands to infinity and beyond and nothing you could ever do or say would EVER make me love you girls any less.  I am your biggest fan cheering you on every step of the way on your adventerous path of life!  I LOVE YOU i love you I LOVE you I LOVE YOU ILOVEYOU!!!!!!

 

Journals, Reminding us of who we really are and are where we came from

So I have been thinking again. . . . . . . lol. . . no but seriously I write in my journal every so often, but I dont right my daily experiences or sorrows or trials or anything like that, instead I fill my journals with letters to my daugthers about the many things they are doing in their lives right now, their accomplishments, their funny actions and words, their personalities, likes and dislikes, and mostly I express to them the love that I have for them as their mother, and how they are my greatest joy! 


I first got interested in journals when my nana (my grandma or aka my moms mother we called her Nana) she passed away when I was four, and sadly enough I have only two or three memories of her but she was a dedicated journal writer and left behind a couple of large journals filled with years of her daily experiences of her life.  Joys, Sorrows, Births, Deaths, her Testimony, Her daily fight with cancer and battling through that while being a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a strong leader in her church callings, a woman who served endlessley and loved endlessy and dedicated her life to her family and gospel and serving others. In the end the radiation treatment from the cancer became too much and sadley took her life much to early.  But through reading her journals I have a better idea of who my nana was, and what a remarkable life she lived.  With out her journals I would not have learned in so much detail in her own heartfelt words what experiences touched her the most.  I am so grateful for her dedication in keeping a journal faithfully!


My second experience with Journals that had a significant impact on me was after I married my husband Jeff.  When he was just 13 his mother passed away also from cancer.  At such a young age to loose your mother, and have so much lifes struggles ahead of him, I can only imagine his heartache and loss.  Luckily for him, His sweet mother left behing a journal just for Jeff.  Only this journal was different.  It was filled with experiences she had with Jeff and her love for him as her son and the miracle it was to have him as they thought she could not have any more children.  This really touched me because I dont think she realized how early she would leave this life, but she was prepared in reassuring her children of the love she had for them, which was so needed when things in Jeffs life drastically and quickly changed following her death.  So that is where my idea came from.  My plan is to keep a journal of all these fun things and my love for them and when they turn 16 I will give it to them on their 16 birthday, and if something (God forbid) happens to me before then, I pray that they can use these journals I have been keeping to always be assured of how much their mother loved them and how special they are and more importantly who they really are, beautiful daughters of our heavenly father and his constant love and guidance he gives. 

So with that being said, I have been debating on whether or not to transfer all of my journal entries onto a file in my computer also, so incase they can not read my handwriting, cause it really is not good, then they can have a back up source to read the words I have written.  Of course I believe that real handwriting is so much more personal and means so much more. So While I am considering what to do with that, I thought I would share a few of my journal entries to my daughters.   I will not share everything I wrote and all because some things are just to much from the heart to be taken lightly and shared with even other loved family members or friends, I believe that somethings are just written with so much emotion and love that they are only intended to be read for the reciptant and not to be shared with others, so if some of these that I copy or not too clear, then I probably am leaving out a few things. . . . . but I dont know cause on the other hand, I want the whole world to know how much I love my girls, I could just shout it from the rooftops all day and night just how much they mean to me. . . . . . okay you get the idea so here we go. . . . . .

Gaurdians!!!

Have you ever had an experience in your life where you fell into a pit in the road and overcame it then looking back wonder how the heck you ever made it through on your own?   Looking back on my life I can recall several instances where I was caught in a pitfall and knew that it was not because of my own doing that I was able to make it out of there.  Even situations that were not really pitfalls but rather brief encounters with dangerous situations.  I believe that there are unseen gardians watching over us constantly and assisting us when needed.  I have felt their precense in my life several times and have known without a doubt that at the very moment I was not alone.  And the sudden rush of love just instantly filled every fiber of my being and my tears could not contain the emotion I was feeling that there is another besides my earthly family that loves me enough to watch over me and protect me from the unseen dangers before it is too late.  I have been reflecting on this now for quite sometime but this week it has been more evident in my life that I am not alone and I am ever so grateful.

At the beginning of the week, I decided to go running.  My brother had just had another surgery so I thought I would run to my moms house to see him and then continue on till i reached the loop and circled back home.  The route is just over 6 miles.  And stopping at my moms for a drink of water helps for a short break.   The first time I did this I guess I didnt realize how out of shape my body was because about  2 miles before I reached my home my legs tightened up so tight especially in the ligaments that connect your legs to your pelvis that I felt like they were just two rubber bands snapping back with every step.  I tried to keep running, but my steps were so short that it was useless so I just walked the next mile till they were a little more rested then ran the rest, well it was almost dark by now and my mom had called Jeff and had him standing on the side of the hill by our house with binoculars searching the trail for me and letting my mom know that he could see me and I was fine. . . . . Two days later I decided to do the same run but leave earlier, I stopped at saw my brother one more time, got a drink and then conituned on. Just as I was leaving my brothers friend pulled up in his car to visit my brother. My mom was worried because I didnt have my cell with me. . . . A short time later on my run, I saw my moms best friend drive by and wave, the opposite direction from her house and from going in to town. . . . then a short while after that, as I was cutting through the orchard I saw my brothers friends car slowly driving by and my brother peering out the window. . . lol. . . . All though I could say that was being over paranoid it gave me great comfort to know that my mom loved me so much that she sent trusted family and friends to watch over me and assure my safety!  My mom is defeniatly my earthly gaurdian Angel and has protected me and assisted me and carried me through to many many situations in my life where I could not ever make it through without her! I am so grateful for her!

Early this morning around 3:30 my girls both starting throwing up and were just so sick. . . . .long story short but all day Maylee just wanted to go outside and play, so this afternoon I took them for a short short walk in the stroller down our long driveway to the mailbox to get our mail.  Tonight they were both so exhausted and i knew that I could just lay Maylee down and she would fall asleep in seconds, but for some reason I thought lets go for another walk.  Why am I thinking this, I should put these girls in bed, that was my thinking in my head, but still I was like, no lets go for a walk, it overcast,the sun was setting, and lets just go.  As we were leaving I could not find one of our dogs.  We called and called and she did not come, so we continued down the hill.  In the distance I saw a car pull off the side of the road by the farm building and wait. . . my first thought was "oh no our dog got hit my a car and is dead," so I started to head down that way but as we were coming up on the canal road, Abby yells, "Mom there is somthing black in the canal and it looks like a head!"  I looked over and our dog was stuck in the fast pace canal in the corner by the gate that sucks you under. . . I ran over and just as I reached to grab her collar she went under water and dissappeared.  A few seconds later she popped out from the other side of the gate and now was stuck in the raging rapids and undercurrent flowing whirpool that just sucks and pulls you under.  The water was about 5 feet below the bridge so I layed on the bridge reached down and just barely was able to get ahold of her collar, but there was not grips just cement walls, and she was to low down I could not pull her out without falling in myself.  I looked around, did not have my cell phone, my girls were clear on the driveway in the stroller, the car that was pulled off was gone, jeffs parents were out of town, ( cause the canal is right below their house) and Jeff was at scouts.  I was so scared and did not know what to do. I have to find somthing to pull her out with, but I couldnt grab anything while I was holiding her and she was choking from the collar holding her head up as the current pulled her down  I realized this is not going to work, so I had to let her go to try and find some help and find something i could use to pull her out.  as I helplessly watched my dog drowning as she kept getting sucked under over and over again. . . . I screamed out. . . "Somebody Help Me!!" but living in the middle of nowhere, there is no way that anyone could here or see to help me.   My eyes searched for anything to help, I finally saw a loose pull on the gate of the canal that was about 10 feet long and had a connecter that was about 6 inches long on the end, I thought I could grab  her by the collar with the connecter and pull her out but just was I was trying to manuver the pole around I coudlnt see her,she had gotten sucked under again I yelled out again, "I need help she is drowing". . . . and all the sudden she came shooting out of the current, like superman dog and  popped up in the non rapid part, but it was still really really swift, I ran to the side, which now the water was only 1 foot below the road, grabbed her collar and lifted her body out of the canal!    Amazingly enough after being sucked under at least 10 times, my dog just shook the water off her and was able to walk almost run all the way up the steep hill to our house and had no problems!  Our other dog who was standing on the bridge watching this whole thing and trying to help in his own doggie way was never so excited to see her out of the water and just kept  licking her and nudging her and has layed by her side the rest of the night! 

I think there are three miracles in this situation, first that I had the impression to go for a walk at 8;00 at night which I would not normally do, second that when my eyes were searching in the distance and about to turn down  the oppisite path, my 4 year old daugther was focused enough to look in the right direction and catch a glimpse of our dog just before she got sucked under, because we can not see the canal from the other side of the gate from where we were on the road.  And last, when I tried all I could do but knew that I needed help and could not do it alone and crying out for help pleading that anyone would hear me and save her, Heavenly Father answered my plea and somehow whether through his own work or the help of another unseen being, got my dog to almost be thrown from the rapids to safer waters where it was possible for her to be rescued!  I was really grateful that Abby was able to experience all of this too so that she could see how the Holy Ghost helps us in our thoughts and actions and how Heavenly Father hears and answers our cries and the miracles that took place and that she was a huge part in it!  It was a great teaching moment, and  great moment that filled my heart with thankfulness and graditude in knowing that we are loved, that we are being watched over, and that we are not alone!

There is one more personal experience that I want to share that is not my own, but rather that of my brothers and I hope it wont be taken to lightly or laughed at or mocked at because we hold it very sacred and dear as our biggest miracle in our family.  Last year on August 20th my brother Clint was crossing the road  right by UVU with his roomates to go hot tubbing when he realized he forgot something so he turned back around to cross the road again.  He stopped as a car was coming, the car appeared to be slowing down, so Clint continued to run across however the driver was looking down and did not see Clint, therefore she did not even brake Clint turned to face the car just as it hit my brother full force.  The bumper snapped his leg, his face shattered her windsheild, he then was thrown 10 feet in the air and landed face down in the gutter. His friends ran over to him, his apartment manager happened to be walking down the street with her husband and saw the whole thing happen.  My brother was not breathing and was dead.  His manager yelled he needs a blessing, someone had oil on hand, and they proceeded to give Clint a very special and powerful blessing.  Just then a EMT who had not even been called or notified just happened to be driving by, saw my brother came running over and started doing cpr for several minutes on him.  They called lifeflight, and by the time lifeflight finally came, they got my brother breathing again!  They lifeflighted him to Provo but lots of crazy reasons were unable to notify my parents until three hours later.  When my parents arrived Clints face was was covered in a mummy wrapped box and he had several several doctors working on him at once, he was loosing alot of blood, and was in severe severe pain!    Clint had to be medically induced into a coma for 2-3 weeks. He had broken every bone in his face, lost all but three of his teeth, multiple compound fractures in his leg, so they had to insert a large pin, a pin in his shoulder, staples all across his scalp, a metal plates inserted all in his face.  A month later Clint was able to come home!!!  All though he has many cosmetic surgeries and many more to go, there are not internal injuries and that is a blessing.  But the biggest blessing of all is that because of his faith and the faith of those assisting to him and the time of his accident, my brother is alive.  There as a moment where I thought i would never get to hear his sweet giggle again or see his bright blue eyes and hear his dating stories and adventures.  A time where I thought that I had given him my last hug, and that my heart would forever have a empty whole.  The night of his accident Jeff was gone at a campout and I was alone with my girls and we didnt even know if he was alive.  Those two hours were the most struggling sorrowful time I have ever experienced.  But now my heart is so full and I KNOW that our Heavenly Father does not leave us alone, I KNOW that we are recieveng so much help from others who are on the other side of the veil, and I know never ever to take eachother and our family for granite because oneday they will be gone and you never know when that could be.  I love my brother so much.  He is just my buddy and my friend and he never ever in his life has judged me for my mistakes or preached to me or turned away from me.  He has been there for me 100 percent through everything and is the most loyal caring and sensitive person ever!   

I just wanted to share these miracles to 1 express my love and graditude to my Heavenly Father who is so patient and loves us unconditianally and 2 to offer and hope or courage to those who have heavy hearts or sorrow.  Never forget that you are not alone!!!!  Help is only a prayer away and the floods of blessings will come pouring down upon you!  I love love love my family with all my heart and I am so so so grateful to my Heavenly Father that my cup runneth over!

Right place at the Right time, or was it?????

So once again I just have random thoughts coming through my head, but I have been reflecting on my past alot lately and the different people I associated with and the relationships I had with them.  friendships, boyfriends, acquaintances, co-workers, peers, teachers, dancers, ect. . . .   Do you ever wonder what impression you left with them, at least with the ones that are no longer a daily part of your life, or even a part at all.  What lasting impression did you leave?  Did you touch their lives and influence it in a positive way for the better, or where you a burden, dragging them down, holding them back, because of selfish desires, or were you just simply a stand by, doing nothing really at all, taking real not action, just following the crowd not really making a stand or making your voice heard, not really defining who you are but just letting them think what ever they did about you. 

I really beleieve that we have the power to make a difference in someones lives.  I believe that there are times where I meet someone and they say exactley what I needed to hear to help me with whatever I was going through at that time.  Sometimes it is a perfect stranger, sometimes it is a phone call from a friend or family member, or sometimes it is a discussion or lesson you just happened to sit in on, but for whatever reason you were at the right place at the right time, two people connecting and helping and changing eachother for the better.  

Other times, I feel that I get too caught up in the moment, to worried about making a good impression, to nervous to voice my thought or opinion, for fear of what that other person would think of me, that I fear I have let too many moments pass me by where by chance I could have been a help to someone in need, but I let fear get in the way.   What if Heavenly Father sent you to that person to be an answer to their prayers but for whatever reason you were not getting the message and instead of helping you did nothing and that moment was lost.   Once again I dont know if I am making any sense, but let me do some more explaining.  Looking back at my past, during my teenage years I really went through my own personal struggles with self-esteem.  I constantly worried what others thought about me and I never wanted to do anything to bring any sort of intention to myself incase they were secretly laughing behind my back.  I remember that my friends would come to me from time to time for advice, and i would try to by sympethetic with what they were going through and support them, but I am afraid that that is all I did.  I sulked with them, I cried with them, but I didnt offer any kind of uplifting support or words of encourgement or advice, I think I was too worried they would laugh at me and go tell someone else how ridicoulous my words were.  That didnt happen all the time, cause I know there are situations where I did pour out my whole heart to them to help, but there are times that I said nothing.   And what if I didnt hold back, not that I had any great or spectacular advice that would be this big shining beacon, but what if it did offer some sort of hope or comfort to a person in need, what if I wasnt afraid and I forgot about myself and my fears and reached out to that person and made a difference.  I just am wondering how things woudl be different if I would have just gotten over myself and fears for awhile.

I have to say that also during the time I struggled with self-esteem I sadly have to admit that I didnt always make the best choices and I got myself into some not so good situations sometimes.  I was dressing, talking, and acting in a different way that was not true to who I really was, all to get attention and get others to like me.   There is alot I am not proud about but the one thing that keeps sticking out in my mind is how many of my friendships, peers, ect could I have helped if I was doing what i was supposed to be doing in my life at that particular moment, instead of playing around on the wrong path?   I am confident that that particular person in need was able to find the help and support they needed elsewhere, but you know it always benefits two when you serve someone in need.  Sometimes the person who is serving gets more out of it then the actual person they are trying to help.  

I feel like I am just talking in circles but I just want to say that the past is gone now and there is nothing I can do about it, and the opinions that others might have of me, hopefully oneday I will get the chance to serve them the right way and be myself.  But for now on I am going to add another goal to my list and that is, Strive with all my heart to be on the right path and be intune with the spirit so that I can be a help to someone in need.  So that the moment isnt lost or wasted or just passed by.  There have been so many so so so many who have served me, helped me, reached out to me, and made a lasting impression that changed my life for the better and I am forever grateful to you and your friendship and I just hope that I can give back and alos pay it forward and continue that cycle of selfless love and just forget about myself, and my own problems, and serve others with love and patience and humility.  After all we are all brothers and sisters here striving for the same goal, and if we can help eachother out along the way what a greater world this could be!

Custom made just for me, from heaven above!

"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for you good.  Hope helps conquer discouragment! ". . . .(Preach My Gospel pg117)


I am learning in my life that when trials and discouragement come, when there are times that I feel like I am in the dark, my thoughts are all scattered as if they were in a washing machine trapped in the middle of the spin cycle, tossed and bouncing off every tiny wall waiting to explode but so compressed that nothing makes sense. . . . .when I feel that I cant trust myself because I know I am seeing things through a glass darkley, in these times there has been a constant beacon in my life that is my shining guiding hope.  PRAYER!! 

In the moments where my heart physically aches with pain, physically is being racked and torn apart, there is none else who knows the thoughts and feelings in my soul then my loving Heavenly Father.  It amazes me everytime how quick he is there to calm my sorrow and make sense of the world again. Often  in these moments of heartache, I turn to him in prayer, shortly after I always get a strong desire to read in my scriptures.  I have never been one to open the scriptures and read front to back, no I usually search out the main emotion or problem i am feeling and study that, but most the time I just open up and let my heart do the searching and lead my eyes to the scripture i need to read.

I am always amazed at how a scripture that was written thousands of years ago, applies directly to me today.  I often feel that a certain verse or line was written just for me!  This is very personal but I want to share it and I hope that it will not be cast out and trodden upon because i hold it so sacred, but there is a scripture that even though I know it was written at the time for another person, still it has been the one scripture that has been the answer to so many of my prayers and toughest trials or decisions.  This scripture is found in Doctrine & Covenants chapter 6

My first experience with this scripture, I was in the MTC training to be a missionary.  I have never been so in love studying and reading the scriptures as I was in those few weeks. However it occured to me that there was a certain part of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a very critcal part I should say, that I never really took to heart.  I just always thought of it as a subject I leased liked to learn and study about, which made me realize as I was in the MTC. . . . Oh my heck, I dont have a testimony about this. I  dont have an experience where I can say, I KNOW that this is true and this is how I know. . . I didnt know, I beileved, but i didnt know, i never prayed about it, i never studied it, i just believed and that was it. . . . . Well how was i supposed to go out and teach the world about his very critical part of the gospel of Jesus Christ, if I couldnt say that i KNEW it was true. . . . so I started to get really discouraged and worried, which led me to deep heartfull prayers, and something interesting happened.  I didnt get my anwer right away. I didnt get it the next day either,or the next. No I wasnt getting a sure answer that it was and this bothered me more cause I believed it was, it had to be, but I wanted my own personal witness. . . So I fasted, and my two compainions fasted with me, the next day still nothing, so I fasted again, nothing, I stayed up all night praying and studying, nothing, I prayed with tears streaming down my cheeks, nothing. . . . . two weeks later after several fasts, many many many prayers, hours of studying, I finally went to class and my teacher drew a graph on the board. Long story short he drew triangle and wrote three main topics at each point, his lesson continued about how these three points are the foundation of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and if you beilive in one then you know you have to believe in the other two because one cannot exist with out the other, so if you struggle with one of these but the other two you dont, then its okay, because they are all tied together and you can know that they are all true.. . . this really helped me realize that i had a testimony all along but where was my confirmations. . . Later that day I  came across a this scripture in DC 6:15-16  "behold thou knowest that thou has inquired of my and i did enlighten thy mind: and now i tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of Truth
Yea  I tell thee that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.". . . . .I realized that I had been feeling the spirit all along through all my studying, fasting, praying, I felt closer to Heavenly Father then ever before.  I contined to read. . . . . DC6:22-23
"Verily Verily I say unto you if oyu desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things, Did i not speak peace to your mind? What greater witness can you have than from God?". . . . . . .. wow huh, He did answer my, all along, I didnt see angels or hear a big booming voice of thunder from the heaven saying "Aimee, this is true," but i knew in my heart and my mind that it was.  I felt the peace, and more importantly I felt the love of a father who reaches out to his daughter in need and reassures her of truth!

My next experience was Two days after I came home from my mission, I meant my sweet Jeffery, who is now my husband for 5 years now. . . . We instantly fell in love, started dating in June, got engaged in August and set the date for Novembe 5th.  As soon as he proposed, I was in 7th heaven, but shortly after the clouds of doubt started to come. . . "What the heck am I doing, I havnt even been home from my mission that long, I told myself I was going to date and date alot and for along time before i got engaged. . ."  So those few months were once again filled with prayer, studying, many trips to the temple, but I was feeling so confused and scared because this decision was the biggest one yet, not only did it determine the rest of my life, but my children, my home, my schooling, my family, my whole future hung on this main decision and what if I chose wrong?  Everytime I felt like I had gotten my answer and knew that I was supposed to marry Jeff, it seemed that shortly after doubt woudl come creeping in again and I would question if I was really receiving an answer or if it was just me wanting it so bad that i made it be a Yes. . . . . Well time was getting closer, the announcements were out, I had the dress, the shoes, the flowers picked out, the cake, the photographer, everything was ready, I was sitting in the temple really pondering my decision, when all of the sudden this scripture popped into my head, and it was like I had memorized the whole chapter. . . . but not only did the previous scriptures come to mind,  but other verses too which helped calm my fear. . . . .34 and 36  "Therefore .fear not little flock, let earth and hell combine against you for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. . . . Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not. . . "  Looking back I realized that Heavenly Father had answered my prayer in four different ways, all in seperate occasions and they were strong solid answers that i could not deny. . . . .I just was letting doubt get the best of me. . . . . I trusted in Heavenly Father, got married, and we now been married for 5 years going on 6 and have two beautiful daughters that I can not imagine my life without. 

But this is not to say that marriage has been easy and all flowers and cake. . .and because we didnt date so long or know eachother really for that long before we were married it has caused many of struggles in our marriage as we learn our differences of opinions and personalities and how opposite we are on so many things. . . . This brings me to my last experince I will share. . . .and once again these are all very very personal and I hope that it can be read in the right spirit. . . . . I know with out a doubt that families are the very most important unit in all eternity.  "Marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God and is central to Gods eternal plan for the salvation of His children."  However because of this I KNOW that satan is doing all in his power to destroy families, to try to stop us from reaching our eternal goal, which is to be an enternal family and live forever  with our loved ones and our Heavenly Father.   I know that in these latter days he is trying harder then ever and we see evidence of him exceeding all around us by ruining and destoying the basic family unit.  I know that he is working very hard on my own family, and I know because of the contentions and the negative feelings and the anger that has sometimes tooken root in our hearts and is slowly and not so slowly pulling our marriage apart, but like I said before, He will not win, I wont allow it, If anything is worth fighting for it ought to be eachother and more impornatly our familes!  So I have been in the fight mode!!  But every now and then I feel satan sometimes gets the best of me and creeps into my thoughts and feels them with doubt and regrets. 
The last few years have been a constant up and down battle and when the majority of the world is standing in the large building pointing and laughing to those of us struggling to cling to the rod, to make it, its hard to stay positive all the time. . . . .so once again, my heart has been weighed down with sorrow and doubt and feelings of inadaquecy wondering if I am good enough to be the wife that Jeff deserves.  What do I have to offer?  What, if any, are the qualties that he loves about me?  Well that darn satan has really had his thumb over me and made me feel no better then a squished bug under a large dusty rug. . . . .

One particular night I just felt hopeless, and confused, and scared. I layed there in bed, Jeff sound asleep, staring at the blue light from our dish reciever pretending that it was a light from heaven. . . . I was in a large dark room, but that little light even though it was so small and blue, so not very bright, it made me realize that help is still within reach, that nomatter how much I feel in the dark or alone or like a failure, heavenly father never leaves us in the dark, he is always there and he is the one person who knows our thoughts. . . . I stared at that blue light till it was so fuzzy from my wet eyes and cried myself to sleep. . . .. Two days later I decided I needed to wallowing in my sorrow and ask for help.  I opened my scriptures, not sure where to read, and guess where my book opened up to.. . . . DC 6. . . But this time I think this scripture really had the biggest impact on me. . . .
" 13  If thou wilt do good, yea and hold out faithful tot he end, thou shalt be saved in the kindgom of God, which is the greatest of all gifts of God, for there is no gift greater then the gift of salvation. .
14. . . . . blessed are thou for what thou hast done for thou hast inquired of my and as often as thoe hast required thou hast received instruction of my spirit, If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. . .
18. . . . Therefore be diligant stand by my servant (Jeffery) faithfully, in whatsoever difficult circumstances he may be for the words sake,
19. . Admonish him in his faults, and also receive admonition of him, Be patient, be socer, be temperate, have paitence, faith, hope and charity,
20. . . Behold thou art (aimee) and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desire, therfore treasure of these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God and I will encircle thee in the arms of my lovd.
21. . Behold I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God, I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not, I am the LIGHT which shineth in the darkness and the dakrness comprehendeth it not.
37. . . . Behold the wound which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful and keep my commandments and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. . ..

So I am sorry if this came across as a preachy blog entry, but like I said before, though anyone is free to read these post, please know I write only for myself  with the intent of working through my thoughts and feelings and understanding my blessing better. . . . .I am so grateful for knowlege of the gospel. I am grateful to know that even when i dont understand myself, I know that my father in heaven does, and he not only understands me but he knows how to help me, I just need to trust in that more and not let my hope die.
"Hope is the anchor of our souls. . . . Hope is trust in Gods promises, faith that if we act now, the desired blessings will be fulfilled in the future. . . . The unfailing source of our hope is that we are sons and daughters of God!"  -President James E Faust   (preach my gospel, 117)

When it rains it pours. . . . . and then comes the Rainbow!

The Rain. . . . . .
Febuary is supposed to be the month of love.  Well it seems like every feb my love is put to the test. . . . . This is not going to be very clear, because i have so many thoughts and feelings right now and the best way i know to express those is just ot write it all out and it doesnt always flow or make sense, but like i said before this blog, though you are free to read and comment and whatever, is mostley my own sort of therapy to release the emotions I am feeling in a some what positive way and sort through them to help me better understand myself, my situation, and what i can do better.and whatever adivce or input you can give or want to give will be taken to heart and very much apprecatied, . . . . so back to the test. . . . do you ever feel that when there is something in your life that you are trying to improve and strengthen that is when the floods really come.. . .because i do have people who read my blog occasionaly i dont want to give away to many personal details, but there are a few relationships in my life that have been tested to the top and pushed and stretched till sometimes you wonder if there is any hope at all of it getting better and staying better.  Its seems to be a constant cycle of having great wonderful times thinking that this is the best of times, and just when everything is flowing and peaceful and happy, the moment I realize how good it is, the very next minute the mirror falls from before my face and good natured moment is instantly shattered, broken into tiny fraglile pieces again that seem impossible to pick up and put back together, but you attempt it anyway, and through whatever amount of time it takes to get it as normal as you can, allthough it will never be the same image as it was in the very first moment before that shattering all began, you do your best, you keep fighting, and you dont give up, cause after all we never give up on eachother, we never give up on love.  if anything is worth fighting for it ought to be for eachother. 

The Storm. . . . .
I once was told that having the gift of sensitivity,love, understanding, and the willingness to help mankind, understanding their needs even to the point where you are willing to sacrifice your own worth and values to help them, are atttributes to strive for, to adapt into your life and have the heartfull desire to help others and really try to lift them up is what i want in my life. I have tried to be that type of person that is not quick to judge but really tries to understand and support and makesure that no man feels like an island.  But it is true what they say that sometimes when you really reach out and try to help someone in need, or stand up for them in a situation that you know is wrong, it seems that your own worth and values are questioned, and that the negativity and your worth is automatically devalued by the very group of people you thought would stand by your side. and sometimes that very person you are trying to help even turns on you and falls back to the opossing crowd, trying to save face and please them at your expense.   leaving you all along standing in the middle of the storm of rage, anger, betrayel and maybe even hatred.  In the end leaving you alone, to walk away with your heart shattered, your good intentions complelty rejected and even spat upon, and then ridiculed and cast aside.    But all along knowing that no matter how bad the storm is, you cant give in because the natural man is a carnal man, and you know better then that, you know in your heart what is really right, and even though the very person you are trying to help and save from the opposing person who is tearing them down, even though that person you are trying to help also turns on you and uses you at his or her own convience, you still cant give in and allow the ridicule to happen. . . . . . this probably is not making sense, but I feel that sometimes the person you are trying to help is not strong enough to stand up for himself  because of whatever reason, and even though you know in the end they will turn back to the group, and you wil be left to stand alone in the midst of trying to help them, I still dont give up because even if I have to defend him all by myself and even if it makes him turn against me because i am trying to help him see his real worth and great qualities, I know i will have to fight it alone, and not just the group but the very person that I love the most, because in the end we never give up on eachother we never give up on love!

The Rainbow

I have found in all the times in my life where I have been emotional tested to the max, feel as though my heart has been ripped out, trampled upon, and left for me to put back together piece my piece, there has been one person who has constantly been there for me and been my rainbow in the midst of the storm and that is my mother!  No matter what I have done in my life, no matter what I am going for she just always knows.  She is always always there to pick me back up no matter what and for that I am eternally grateful. And with that gratitufe I can mention my loving mother without giving thanks to my loving heaveny father who knows me so well and knew exactley the type of mother i needed in my life, and not only blessed me with that mother, but also blessed me with a best friend in that mother.  I know I can always confide in her, always depend upon her, and that in the moments where i feel i have no more strenth and i dont know how to pick up all the pieces and put them back together, her love sustains me and is my rainbow in the storm, her love reassures me of who I really am, a daughter of a very loving and most caring heavenly father who i can come to in prayer at anytime or place and pour out my heartache my sorrows, my fears and my weaknesses and he through my mother gives me the strength to never quit fighting for the ones I love!  

Unconditional Love. . . .
With Februray being the month of love, I can not celebrate this month without thinking upon our savior Jesus Christ.  He is the ultimate source of Love.  His whole life was about love, gave love, and died for love.  I think about all the trials, and ridcules, judjement, hatred, the many times he had to walk alone, the constant prayers he poured out in behalf of the very people who were riduculing him, he never once gave up, he never once stopped being who he knew he was, Gods son, he never once let it discourage him from fullfilling what he was born to do, who he was born to be.  Because of all his sacrifices, because of his love for us, because of him, we are able to overcome anything that might be placed before us, any trial, any weakness, any heartche, and sorrow, any sin, anything because he has promised to never leave us, he sealed that promise with his blood and through his blood are we made whole and clean and purified.  I can not express into words how much I love my brother Jesus Christ.  I cannot imagine my life with out him.  He is my rock, and my comfort, he is that warm tender hug at the end of a long hard day, he is the peace in the midst of the storm, he is the beat in my heart that tells me to keep beating, to keep breathing, to keep fighitng, to keep trying, to keep reaching out, and most importantly to keep loving.  So with this month celebrating Love, no matter how my valentines may turn out to be, I always celebrate that i have a loving brother, a savior, even the very son of God, who i know loves me unconditionally and that love will never change.

Reflection

Have you ever looked into the mirror and wondered if others see you the way that you see yourself?  Once again I dont know if this makes any sense.  When I was in the dating stages of my life, I had wonderful fun dates.  Fishing, Fourwheeling, Hiking, movies, dinner, riding dirt bikes, swimming in the lakes, all sorts of fun dates.  But what I really wanted to do was just spend a day with that person doing the normal everyday stuff that person did.  Eating breakfast, putting gas in the car, running errands, cleaning or doing chores, whatever they did routinly on a daily basis. I felt that was the real way to see who that person really was, not just in a fun planned activity.  Of course that never really happened, cause who would want me to tag along with them all day, but i often wondered if the situation was switched, and there was one person who was willing to tag along with me and do those boring everyday things, what they would think of me and the life i led.  Would i be boring? Would i be spontaneous to them?  Or would I be just to random and unorganized, with at least one thing going wrong everyday. . .

Now that I have been married for 5 years and have two beautiful daughters, looking back I think what I was really trying to find was not someone that wanted to learn who I was by tagging along with me all day, but more someone who understood my thought process.  Someone who understood why I did the things I did and why I had the strong values that I do, and not only understand but Love me for the things that defined me, love me despite all my many many weaknesses and bad habits, (like my pepsi addiction,  lol), but love me inspite of all that, love me because of who I was and who I was trying to become.   But five years later and I am still wondering if who I see when I look in the mirror is the same person that others more importantly, my husband sees. Sometimes I feel like we really are from two different planets.  I know that is normal though because lets face it Who will be ever be able to fully understand the opposite sex?   Especially asking a male to fully understand a female is out of this world, because I dont even fully understand myself half of the time, lol, and to expect someone else to is crazy.  But on the other hand, the things that I really take pride in are the things that I thought were my strong attributes that others would respect about me and maybe admire, I am finding out they are some of the things that cause the biggest contention.  I dont want to go into full detail, but sometimes i just wonder if who I see myself as, is really not that great in comparison to what others see me as and what they wish I were more like. The atrributes that I thought were my greatest strengths or qualtities, now seem to be the things that the other now despise in me, or what causes the greatest contention, what they see as my great weakness, or see it not being a strong attribute at all in my life. So am I wrong, am I seeing myself through a glass darkley? Am I not who I really thought I was or if I am, is my standards too low? And if so then what do I have to offer that is of some value? If what I thought my strengths were, really are not strengths at all, but a more what I am faliling at miserably, and what is causing others to think I am extremely selfish because I stand by that value, then it leaves me feeling totally devalued and helpless and wondering if I am not good enough for that person.  Sometimes I just feel like my candle flame that once was burning bright is now just small flicker, occasionally inspiration comes and I feel that flicker shine bright once again, but it is not long before the contetion comes and my spirit dims and the flicker struggles to stay lit. . . . All I can say is thank goodness for my two amazing wonderful daughters who are my ray of sunshine and hope and who love me unconditionally. I can not even describe into words how much I love them.  They are my whole joy, my breath of fresh air, my reason for being, and my inspiration to be so much more and I just pray that I can be the mother they deserve and not only deserve but a mother who inspires them, who encourages them, who teaches them, and who gives them the wings to soar, a mother who never lets them down or dissappoints them, a mother who they know will do anything at all costs to be there for them no matter what and to help them in any situation.   . . . . . ..
Maybe this is why I am struggling so bad is I am scared to fail! I am scared that maybe when I thought I was doing everything for the good of my children, and then am told that I am failing, I am scared that my choices and decisions are wrong?  It is so scary to know that the life of your children are in your hands, it is from you that they learn all they need to prepare them for their own life.  and what if I fail??  Well I Cant, that is not an option, so despite the contention, or devaluing remarks of others, the one and only person who I know will not fail me or lead me astray is my Heavenly Father.  As long as I turn to him constantly and really strive to be intune with his spirit and seeking his guidance day and night, then I know I will not fail!  I love my girls, I love being a mother, and if nothing else, this is what brings me the greatest happiness and makes my life meaningful and gives that life purpose and value.