Have you ever looked into the mirror and wondered if others see you the way that you see yourself? Once again I dont know if this makes any sense. When I was in the dating stages of my life, I had wonderful fun dates. Fishing, Fourwheeling, Hiking, movies, dinner, riding dirt bikes, swimming in the lakes, all sorts of fun dates. But what I really wanted to do was just spend a day with that person doing the normal everyday stuff that person did. Eating breakfast, putting gas in the car, running errands, cleaning or doing chores, whatever they did routinly on a daily basis. I felt that was the real way to see who that person really was, not just in a fun planned activity. Of course that never really happened, cause who would want me to tag along with them all day, but i often wondered if the situation was switched, and there was one person who was willing to tag along with me and do those boring everyday things, what they would think of me and the life i led. Would i be boring? Would i be spontaneous to them? Or would I be just to random and unorganized, with at least one thing going wrong everyday. . .
Now that I have been married for 5 years and have two beautiful daughters, looking back I think what I was really trying to find was not someone that wanted to learn who I was by tagging along with me all day, but more someone who understood my thought process. Someone who understood why I did the things I did and why I had the strong values that I do, and not only understand but Love me for the things that defined me, love me despite all my many many weaknesses and bad habits, (like my pepsi addiction, lol), but love me inspite of all that, love me because of who I was and who I was trying to become. But five years later and I am still wondering if who I see when I look in the mirror is the same person that others more importantly, my husband sees. Sometimes I feel like we really are from two different planets. I know that is normal though because lets face it Who will be ever be able to fully understand the opposite sex? Especially asking a male to fully understand a female is out of this world, because I dont even fully understand myself half of the time, lol, and to expect someone else to is crazy. But on the other hand, the things that I really take pride in are the things that I thought were my strong attributes that others would respect about me and maybe admire, I am finding out they are some of the things that cause the biggest contention. I dont want to go into full detail, but sometimes i just wonder if who I see myself as, is really not that great in comparison to what others see me as and what they wish I were more like. The atrributes that I thought were my greatest strengths or qualtities, now seem to be the things that the other now despise in me, or what causes the greatest contention, what they see as my great weakness, or see it not being a strong attribute at all in my life. So am I wrong, am I seeing myself through a glass darkley? Am I not who I really thought I was or if I am, is my standards too low? And if so then what do I have to offer that is of some value? If what I thought my strengths were, really are not strengths at all, but a more what I am faliling at miserably, and what is causing others to think I am extremely selfish because I stand by that value, then it leaves me feeling totally devalued and helpless and wondering if I am not good enough for that person. Sometimes I just feel like my candle flame that once was burning bright is now just small flicker, occasionally inspiration comes and I feel that flicker shine bright once again, but it is not long before the contetion comes and my spirit dims and the flicker struggles to stay lit. . . . All I can say is thank goodness for my two amazing wonderful daughters who are my ray of sunshine and hope and who love me unconditionally. I can not even describe into words how much I love them. They are my whole joy, my breath of fresh air, my reason for being, and my inspiration to be so much more and I just pray that I can be the mother they deserve and not only deserve but a mother who inspires them, who encourages them, who teaches them, and who gives them the wings to soar, a mother who never lets them down or dissappoints them, a mother who they know will do anything at all costs to be there for them no matter what and to help them in any situation. . . . . . ..
Maybe this is why I am struggling so bad is I am scared to fail! I am scared that maybe when I thought I was doing everything for the good of my children, and then am told that I am failing, I am scared that my choices and decisions are wrong? It is so scary to know that the life of your children are in your hands, it is from you that they learn all they need to prepare them for their own life. and what if I fail?? Well I Cant, that is not an option, so despite the contention, or devaluing remarks of others, the one and only person who I know will not fail me or lead me astray is my Heavenly Father. As long as I turn to him constantly and really strive to be intune with his spirit and seeking his guidance day and night, then I know I will not fail! I love my girls, I love being a mother, and if nothing else, this is what brings me the greatest happiness and makes my life meaningful and gives that life purpose and value.
