As many of you know, I was recently pregnant with our third child. We found out at 15 weeks that we were having a sweet baby boy. A few days later we decided to name him Jace Reed Rowley. Sadley at 19 weeks, we found out that we had lost him. I was almost half way through my pregnancy. Nobody knows the reason why. Even know it stings my heart and is so painful to write about. However, I have been finding out how common it is to have a miscarriage. So many women have experienced one. Why have I not heard more about that. I believe that we all have trials and experiences that not only help us and teach us, but can also be a help to someone else. That is the reason that I even have this blog, I share personal stories, feelings, ect, with the hope that it might or could help someone who is having a similiar experince. I am not really sure how this particular post could help, but I think by me sharing, it also helps me to grieve better and accept what is or what has happened. . . . So I would like to share with you my journal entries about Baby Jace, from the time we found out we were pregnant, to the time of his passing. So here it goes. . .
Sunday May 13, 2012
Today was not only Mothers day, where I get to celebrate being the mother of these two sweet girls, but also I received another amazing gift. . . . This morning we found out that we are pregnant with baby #3. I am so so so thrilled adn truely just filled with love and gratitude to my Heavenly Father for blessing our lives with these sweet children, his special spirits he created. I could not have asked fror a more perfect gift!!!
June 16th 2012
So today was our first baby appointment. I went by myself since daddy (Jeff) is super busy at work and Aunt sandy watched you girls. ( I have to explain when I write in my journal, I write to my children. . the journal entries are mostley for them!). . .I found out that I have lost almost 10 pounds from just being nauseous all the time and not wanting to eat. But the best part is they do an ultrasound on your first appointment. So I got to see our sweet baby for the first time. This baby is only 1 inch long. I am exactley 9 weeks along. and the heartbeat is 180. We are so so so excited!!! Usually I hear the hearbeat can determine the gender of the baby. They say a fast hearbeat is a girl and a slow heartbeat is a boy. But my doctor said that is just a myth and not to believe it. There is really no way to tell. We are just so so so so excited!!!!
July 16th. 2012
Second baby appointment today. I lost another 6 pounds. But they are not worried. Baby is doing great and hearbeat is 160. They said it is completely normal for the hearbeat to lower that much because the baby is getting bigger.
Tuesday July 31st. . . . ITS A BOY!!!
Today @ 1:00 Jeff, me, Abby and Maylee drove to provo to my doctors to find out if we are having a baby girl or a boy
I am happy to announce that we are having a sweet baby BOY!!!!!!
I started to tear up when we saw our sweet baby boy in the ultrasound. and JEff was just thrilled as can bee. He love loves our girls more then anything but he has been watiing for a baby boy!! I am so thankful to our Heavenly Father who has blessed us so much and trusted us with thses sweet spirits. How much love and joy these children bring into our lives is just amazing!! We can not be happier and am so grateful!!
So usually the first boy born in JEffs family has the initials J.R.R. Jeffs favorite names are Jaxon and Jerald, and my favorite are Justin and Jesse, but we both love and agree on the name Jacen and call him Jace for short. So we are thinking Jacen Reed Rowley!! but we still have 5 months to finalize that.
I am just so stinking excited and Abby and Maylee are thrilled to be gettinga baby brother. We are all just anxiously waiting for the day we can hold him in our arms and surround him in our Love!!
October 2 2012 ( Our Beloved Loss)
The last month this journal has been starring at me from my nightstand every night and every morning when I am in bed. But the heartache and sorrow I have been going through has been so heavy to bare that I could not find the strength to pick up my pen and write about it, because writing only intensifies my emotions that much more. but 5 weeks later I have come to the realization that for me to try to heal and mend what is broken, I need to fully express my feelings through writing. . . and so this is my story. . . .
On July 31st we were so blessed, pleased, and overly excited to find out we were pregnant with a sweet baby boy. Less then two days later we decied his name is Jace Reed Rowley. from that time on, everything has been about preparing for our Little Jace to come. Planning his nursery, shopping the baby sections and just getting so so excited.
Being 17 weeks pregnant I was shopping with Abby and Maylee at walmart. We were in the bread isle when I started to feel a strong pull on my right side. then the pull came again. This time I stopped, rubbed my stomach, and I could feel my baby moving on the inside, tears instantly filled my eyes and I couldnt wipe the smile away. It was the first moment I truley felt the connection with him. I was filled with so much love and excitment for this sweet little one to be born.
Week 18. . . . I started to have an uneasy feeling that something was not right. It wasnt a strong feeling just uneasy. However I could no longer feel any movements. everything was quiet and still. I felt empty and if I was not even pregnant. But again it was not a strong feeling, that something was wrong, just a confusing and unsure moment, but I always think the worst and decided it was just a change in the trimesters and that things woudl be fine.
The following Sunday I got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and to my suprise there was a browinsh weird discharge that came out. . not very much, but I instantly had the strongest feeling that something was def wrong. I woke up Jeff and told him I was really scared, but he assured me everything would be okay. He too knows I panic easy and think the worst. . . but the fear would not leave me so I tried praying for comfort to know that everything would be okay, but I couldnt even say the words before I knew the truth. . . Our baby was gone. . . . but even knowing in my heart the truth, my head would grasp it, I didnt want to believe it, so I hung on to the hope that I was wrong, and I wanted more then anything to be wrong. I didnt sleep again, just layed on my pillow and cried the silent tears of sorrow and fear. ..
The next morning (August 27 2012) I called the doctor the second they opened and told them I was scared that something was wrong, they told me to come in and get a heartbeat check. I told myself if I rush it I am just going to get myself all worked up over nothing cause everything is fine, so dont panic Aimee, dont panic, just take it one breath at a time and stay calm. So I scheduled an appointment for later that afternoon. I took Abby and Maylee with me, still hoping I was wrong, and everything was going to be fine. I didnt want to ask anyone to watch them and give the impressions that I was scared, cause I just wanted to be wrong. . . I started to feel calmer driving over there, and I thought ohh good I am feeling calm cause everything is going to be okay, but the second I thought that, I knew what the doctors were going to tell me and that I was only feeling calm because Heavenly Father was telling me that it was going to be okay.
I guess Jeff after he left for work that morning, had the same feelings that I was having, and he thought about coming home to give me a blessing and when he thought about what he would say, he said he wanted to bless me to know that everything was going to be fine, that the baby was going to be healthy and not in any harm, but he said the words that came to his mind instead was that the baby woudl not be healthy but everything will be okay. and I would be comforted in this time. . . so not wanting to scare me any more, he decided to not come and give me a blessing, cause he too was hoping that we were wrong.
When I got to the doctors, they took me into the office and tried to find a hearbeat but couldnt. Maylee was scared and wouldnt let go of me and was laying beside me crying. . . so finally two of the nurses asked Maylee and Abby if they wanted to go get some suckers. . Maylee never goes to anyone, but she reached her arms out and let the nurse carry her into the hall. That was a blessing needed, and the nurses kept them at the desk in the hall ,coloring, and eating treats, and getting stickers. . . Another nurse came in ( the doctors daughter) and tried to get a hearbeat and couldnt so they rushed me to the ultrasound room and as soon as the camera touched my tummy, and the image of my baby floating lifeless, curled up and upside facedown, I absolutley knew this was a reality. The nurse said, I am so sorry Aimee, I think you know, he is gone. "
I thought about dropping to my knees right then and there in that small dark room, and pleading with Heavenly Father for a miracle. But I knew in my heart that was not his plan, that he had a different plan for our baby. The nurses called Jeff who was in Salt Lake doing work errands with his dad, to come right in. Luckily he was only 20 minutes away. I was blessed to have the nurses I did there with me at that moment because they too have had miscarriages and were so loving and understanding and comforting as they could be.
They took me back into the first room I was in and gave me a glass of ice water. I just stared at it watching the ice melt. They contiuned to try and soothe me until Jeff came. I felt as if I had let Jeff down. and everyone else for that matter. I know how excited he was to have a son, and how he has longed for this, and everyone else too was so excited to get a grandson. . . and even though I knew it wasnt my fault, I couldnt stop aapologizing to Jeff. He kept assuring me that it wasnt my fault, that there was a greater plan for him. and in my heart I knew that was true, but I couldnt wrap my mind around it, I coudlnt stop myself from thinking of everything and anything that I could have done that caused this. . . . eating too much tomatoes and vinegar, excerising, ect,. . . but the doctor said there was nothing I did to cause this and nothing they could do or could have done to prevent it, Even if his heart stopped on the table, they couldnt have done anything to fix it. Its just part of a greater plan, he said, and the doctor even though he is a different religion then me, said, All though science has all the studies, the tests, theries, and explanations, we know that all things are in Gods hands, that he is in control. and he knows what is best and we just need to trust him. I found out that my doctor has also lost two children, one was 1 1/2 years old and the other just one day old.
On this day, August 27 that we found out our baby had passed away, I was excatley 19 weeks pregnant. Almost 20 weeks. That is half way through my pregnanccy. They told me aynthing over 20 weeks is considered a still born so we were right on the border. but they think he has been gone for about a week now so they gave us three options.
1 wait for mother nature to take its course and go into labor naturally
2 be induced and have forced labor but it takes 20-24 hours but then you can have the option to hold your baby, take pictures, or do footprint moldings, and then decide if you will burry him or have the hospital take care of it
3 do a DNC which is where they put you to sleep parially dialate you then go in and remove everything, you wake up and its done.
we were instucted to go home and think about it then call with our answer.
When we opened the door to go into the hall, I was never so happy to see my two sweet daughters who had been coloring such sweet precious pictures for us. I hugged them so tight and didnt want to let go. We decided not to tell them until we got home that night.
Since the orginal plan was for us to meet after my appointment and go to the passport office to get our passports for Cancun, we decided we would still go, but when it came time for our turn, I could not even think. . I forogot half of the money, She asked me to write my address down on the envelope and I had to ask her three times what I was supposed to do, all I could do was stare at the envelope, it was like in the movie where everything goes to super super slow motion and you cant understand a thing anyone is saying and I could not even remember my Address, I asked Jeff what our address was, and he decided it was best to leave and come back later. . . .
On the way home we called our parents and they were so heartbroken for us and grieved with us.
but we asked to just be alone for the rest of the night cause I needed to just be with my girls.
That night we had family night and told the girls what had happened and how Heavenly Father has a different plan for our little boy. We made a teaching moment about it and our pupose on earth and etenal life and exhaltation. . . Maylee doesnt undestand yet, since she is only two, but Abby was sad and wished she could play with him. Abby has been praying in all her prayers that her baby brother will know how loved he is and that he can be healthy. So we assured her that he still knows how loved he is and he has felt that every prayer she has said. And that he is healthy, just in a different way. Abby was to start kindergarten in the morning.
That night I cried myself to sleep but kep awaking to the reality that felt like a nightmare and being scared to amke the wrong decision.
THE SURGERY
Jeff and I decided early on that we wanted to take the second option,. I wanted to be induced and have labor forced upon me in the hopes that I would at least be able to hold him, just once. But to have to burry him seemed so heartwrenching and daunting but to have the hospital take care of it seems so cruel and inhumane. but we decided to go ahead with the option of burrying him. That morning Jeff, me and Maylee took Abby to her first day of kindergarten. she looked darling and was so excited ( another story I need to still write about) we came home and I called the nurse to let her know we decided on the 24 hour labor. she asked if I heard about the third option and I said yes but we dont want to do that. So she said she would schedule the appointment and call me back. A couple of hours later she called me back and told me she didnt feel right about the situation. so she went back through the ultrasound and did measurements and really studied it and realized that the baby was detiorating very rapidly and was not the size of a 19 weeks old baby, that he was really really small and that all the components nay not be in place anymore because his body is caing in and is just deteriating so fast. She told me she never tells her patients what to do, but in this case she feels that really my only option is the third option, the DNC. if I was to do any other option I would have regrets and what I saw would be haunting because it would look nothing like a baby, not even put together all the way. She apologized for being so graphic but she felt like she needed to tell me. And really as hard as that was to hear, I needed her to be so truthful and it was a blessing that she went back and studied that more, because this literally was a decsion I was scared to make for fear of making the wrong one.
August 30th was my surgery, JEff and I had to be at the hospital at 6:00 am so my mom came over really early and watched the girls. The first room they took me into I just started to sob when they closed the door because it was the tiniest room with no window or decorations and just a tiny little bed and the equipment. This was not how I wanted it to be.. . delivering him in a cold small room on a hard small bed. . . but I found out this was just the room to sedate me, then once I am asleep they wheel me into the operation room and then back in here to recover. The set up process all went great and as soon as that anthestia pumped through my body, I was so happy and giggly and felt so good. The next thing I know I woke up and tried to sit up, but couldnt and I just lifted me head and looked over and saw two other patients laying in beds, then a nurse ran to me and I asked her if they had lost their babies too and she said no. . . and then I was back asleep again. . . I woke up again and was still in the operation room, but had to go to the bathroom so bad I felt as if I was going to wet the bed, so they rushed me to the bathroom, and not too be too graphic, but I bled so heavily. . . after three times of getting up to use the restroom, my blood pressure dropped down to 74/20 and I was about to pass out. . . ( normally the whole process from the time of check in to the time of check out only takes about 4 hours, ) because I was so far along in my pregnany, 20 weeks to date, I was bleeding alot more then most patients, and so they kept me there alot longer and kept pumping me full of that happy medicine that makes you feel like you are floating and giggle and just so happy but super super sleepy. Poor Jeff sat with me the whole time in the hardest rock chair, in that tiny small room with no decorations, and a cold hard bed. . . after 12 hours of being there they finally let me go home. I was so full of that medicine or happy juice that when I got home I felt so calm and happy and thought, okay everything is going to be okay. . . .
My Gesthesemne
The next morning I woke up and that happy juice was gone and reality hit me again. . . . That night I went to bed feeling so empty because with the surgery over and his body removed, I felt as if I had nothing left to connect me to him. He was completely gone, feeling so empty I sat in my bed and looked out into the sky wondering where exactley Heaven was because at this moment it felt so so far away. From the time we found out that our baby had passed away I have tried several times to pray, but for some resason I could not get the words out because everything felt so dark and empty and alone. I knew that God hears our prayeres, but for some reason I could not feel him near as I tried to pray.
I have been finding comfort or what little comfort I can in the love and support of family and friends, and in reading the sriptures and listening to the piano melody of hymns but the biggest comfort has come through My sweet girls. Being able to hold my girls, kiss their cheeks, hug them tight, smell their hair, hear them giggle, feel their sweet kisses on my cheek and to watch their chests rise and fall as they breathe the sweet breath of life. I would do this every night. Just lay beside them and watch them breath and Thank God for them.
But this particular night, I began to be so sorrowful that I would never be able to do this with my son. Never hold him, and feel his warmth, never feel his breath again my skin, never kiss his soft cheeks, never see him smile or hear his giggle, or smell his hair, or watch him peacefully dream at night. thse thoughts consumed me so much that I was brought down to the depths of my angusih and sorows that I physically could not bare it alone. . . I began to pour out my whole sould unto God, Out loud, every emotion, and worry and fear and question I poured out unto him pleading adn begging to feel a connection to my son, so that I could know that he knew with out a doubt my love for him, and that I could know with out a doubt that he is happy and okay. I yearned and ached for that connection and prayed with more emption then I ever have, so much that the pain in my heart was so intense I felt as if it might cause my heart to literally burst from the emotions I was sobbing out.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and still. . . . . . . the love and comfort I was so desperatly needing and seeking, did not come. I never in my life have fel to alone and empty when I prated as I did at that moment. I looed again outside my window but even the light of the sky I could not see. My room was instantly filled with darkness so much that I began to be afaid. I quickely turned on the light and in my head I sang the words of hymns that comfort me, still crying myself to sleep. . . ( I have to mention, during this time, Jeff had fallen asleep next to the girls in their bed while reading stories to them, that is why he was not with me at the time). . .
It has been 5 weeks now since we found out and still that connection I am seeking for has not come and perhaps it never will. Perhaps that is part of the trial that i need to endure, to trust blindly and wholeheartedly in Heavenly Father and his plan for us without having a witness.
Through this time I have been thinking of two scriptures that keep coming to my mind. . . . One where Jesus is hanging on the cross in all his agony and he cries out " My God My God why hast thou forsake me?"
and the other when Jesus appears unto his disciple Thomas and he tells Thomas blessed art thou Thomas because thou has seen thou has believed, but how much more blessed are they who do not see but still believe.'
I believe, I believe, I believe that all things our in our Heavenly Fathers hands and that he truley loves and blesses us for our good. I know that this life is a time to prepare, we will be tried and tested and have sorrows and heartaches of all kinds. but I know that when we faithfully endure these trials it will mold and shape us and prepare us for whats to come and to take our place with God as an eternal family. I pray and strive to do everthing I can to make it to that kingdom so we can be with our Son as an eternal family forever! I know that I am full of weakneses and that I fail sometimes but I know that through our loving Sacrifices for us,. he can make us whole and clean and when equally yoked with him he will carry us to the eternities. I am so grateful to Him my Saviour and his infinite love for us that allows us to overcome all things and gives us the stregnth to do so. I love him and forever am indebted to him. Until we meet again at his feet!
Sunday May 13, 2012
Today was not only Mothers day, where I get to celebrate being the mother of these two sweet girls, but also I received another amazing gift. . . . This morning we found out that we are pregnant with baby #3. I am so so so thrilled adn truely just filled with love and gratitude to my Heavenly Father for blessing our lives with these sweet children, his special spirits he created. I could not have asked fror a more perfect gift!!!
June 16th 2012
So today was our first baby appointment. I went by myself since daddy (Jeff) is super busy at work and Aunt sandy watched you girls. ( I have to explain when I write in my journal, I write to my children. . the journal entries are mostley for them!). . .I found out that I have lost almost 10 pounds from just being nauseous all the time and not wanting to eat. But the best part is they do an ultrasound on your first appointment. So I got to see our sweet baby for the first time. This baby is only 1 inch long. I am exactley 9 weeks along. and the heartbeat is 180. We are so so so excited!!! Usually I hear the hearbeat can determine the gender of the baby. They say a fast hearbeat is a girl and a slow heartbeat is a boy. But my doctor said that is just a myth and not to believe it. There is really no way to tell. We are just so so so so excited!!!!
July 16th. 2012
Second baby appointment today. I lost another 6 pounds. But they are not worried. Baby is doing great and hearbeat is 160. They said it is completely normal for the hearbeat to lower that much because the baby is getting bigger.
Tuesday July 31st. . . . ITS A BOY!!!
Today @ 1:00 Jeff, me, Abby and Maylee drove to provo to my doctors to find out if we are having a baby girl or a boy
I am happy to announce that we are having a sweet baby BOY!!!!!!
I started to tear up when we saw our sweet baby boy in the ultrasound. and JEff was just thrilled as can bee. He love loves our girls more then anything but he has been watiing for a baby boy!! I am so thankful to our Heavenly Father who has blessed us so much and trusted us with thses sweet spirits. How much love and joy these children bring into our lives is just amazing!! We can not be happier and am so grateful!!
So usually the first boy born in JEffs family has the initials J.R.R. Jeffs favorite names are Jaxon and Jerald, and my favorite are Justin and Jesse, but we both love and agree on the name Jacen and call him Jace for short. So we are thinking Jacen Reed Rowley!! but we still have 5 months to finalize that.
I am just so stinking excited and Abby and Maylee are thrilled to be gettinga baby brother. We are all just anxiously waiting for the day we can hold him in our arms and surround him in our Love!!
October 2 2012 ( Our Beloved Loss)
The last month this journal has been starring at me from my nightstand every night and every morning when I am in bed. But the heartache and sorrow I have been going through has been so heavy to bare that I could not find the strength to pick up my pen and write about it, because writing only intensifies my emotions that much more. but 5 weeks later I have come to the realization that for me to try to heal and mend what is broken, I need to fully express my feelings through writing. . . and so this is my story. . . .
On July 31st we were so blessed, pleased, and overly excited to find out we were pregnant with a sweet baby boy. Less then two days later we decied his name is Jace Reed Rowley. from that time on, everything has been about preparing for our Little Jace to come. Planning his nursery, shopping the baby sections and just getting so so excited.
Being 17 weeks pregnant I was shopping with Abby and Maylee at walmart. We were in the bread isle when I started to feel a strong pull on my right side. then the pull came again. This time I stopped, rubbed my stomach, and I could feel my baby moving on the inside, tears instantly filled my eyes and I couldnt wipe the smile away. It was the first moment I truley felt the connection with him. I was filled with so much love and excitment for this sweet little one to be born.
Week 18. . . . I started to have an uneasy feeling that something was not right. It wasnt a strong feeling just uneasy. However I could no longer feel any movements. everything was quiet and still. I felt empty and if I was not even pregnant. But again it was not a strong feeling, that something was wrong, just a confusing and unsure moment, but I always think the worst and decided it was just a change in the trimesters and that things woudl be fine.
The following Sunday I got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and to my suprise there was a browinsh weird discharge that came out. . not very much, but I instantly had the strongest feeling that something was def wrong. I woke up Jeff and told him I was really scared, but he assured me everything would be okay. He too knows I panic easy and think the worst. . . but the fear would not leave me so I tried praying for comfort to know that everything would be okay, but I couldnt even say the words before I knew the truth. . . Our baby was gone. . . . but even knowing in my heart the truth, my head would grasp it, I didnt want to believe it, so I hung on to the hope that I was wrong, and I wanted more then anything to be wrong. I didnt sleep again, just layed on my pillow and cried the silent tears of sorrow and fear. ..
The next morning (August 27 2012) I called the doctor the second they opened and told them I was scared that something was wrong, they told me to come in and get a heartbeat check. I told myself if I rush it I am just going to get myself all worked up over nothing cause everything is fine, so dont panic Aimee, dont panic, just take it one breath at a time and stay calm. So I scheduled an appointment for later that afternoon. I took Abby and Maylee with me, still hoping I was wrong, and everything was going to be fine. I didnt want to ask anyone to watch them and give the impressions that I was scared, cause I just wanted to be wrong. . . I started to feel calmer driving over there, and I thought ohh good I am feeling calm cause everything is going to be okay, but the second I thought that, I knew what the doctors were going to tell me and that I was only feeling calm because Heavenly Father was telling me that it was going to be okay.
I guess Jeff after he left for work that morning, had the same feelings that I was having, and he thought about coming home to give me a blessing and when he thought about what he would say, he said he wanted to bless me to know that everything was going to be fine, that the baby was going to be healthy and not in any harm, but he said the words that came to his mind instead was that the baby woudl not be healthy but everything will be okay. and I would be comforted in this time. . . so not wanting to scare me any more, he decided to not come and give me a blessing, cause he too was hoping that we were wrong.
When I got to the doctors, they took me into the office and tried to find a hearbeat but couldnt. Maylee was scared and wouldnt let go of me and was laying beside me crying. . . so finally two of the nurses asked Maylee and Abby if they wanted to go get some suckers. . Maylee never goes to anyone, but she reached her arms out and let the nurse carry her into the hall. That was a blessing needed, and the nurses kept them at the desk in the hall ,coloring, and eating treats, and getting stickers. . . Another nurse came in ( the doctors daughter) and tried to get a hearbeat and couldnt so they rushed me to the ultrasound room and as soon as the camera touched my tummy, and the image of my baby floating lifeless, curled up and upside facedown, I absolutley knew this was a reality. The nurse said, I am so sorry Aimee, I think you know, he is gone. "
I thought about dropping to my knees right then and there in that small dark room, and pleading with Heavenly Father for a miracle. But I knew in my heart that was not his plan, that he had a different plan for our baby. The nurses called Jeff who was in Salt Lake doing work errands with his dad, to come right in. Luckily he was only 20 minutes away. I was blessed to have the nurses I did there with me at that moment because they too have had miscarriages and were so loving and understanding and comforting as they could be.
They took me back into the first room I was in and gave me a glass of ice water. I just stared at it watching the ice melt. They contiuned to try and soothe me until Jeff came. I felt as if I had let Jeff down. and everyone else for that matter. I know how excited he was to have a son, and how he has longed for this, and everyone else too was so excited to get a grandson. . . and even though I knew it wasnt my fault, I couldnt stop aapologizing to Jeff. He kept assuring me that it wasnt my fault, that there was a greater plan for him. and in my heart I knew that was true, but I couldnt wrap my mind around it, I coudlnt stop myself from thinking of everything and anything that I could have done that caused this. . . . eating too much tomatoes and vinegar, excerising, ect,. . . but the doctor said there was nothing I did to cause this and nothing they could do or could have done to prevent it, Even if his heart stopped on the table, they couldnt have done anything to fix it. Its just part of a greater plan, he said, and the doctor even though he is a different religion then me, said, All though science has all the studies, the tests, theries, and explanations, we know that all things are in Gods hands, that he is in control. and he knows what is best and we just need to trust him. I found out that my doctor has also lost two children, one was 1 1/2 years old and the other just one day old.
On this day, August 27 that we found out our baby had passed away, I was excatley 19 weeks pregnant. Almost 20 weeks. That is half way through my pregnanccy. They told me aynthing over 20 weeks is considered a still born so we were right on the border. but they think he has been gone for about a week now so they gave us three options.
1 wait for mother nature to take its course and go into labor naturally
2 be induced and have forced labor but it takes 20-24 hours but then you can have the option to hold your baby, take pictures, or do footprint moldings, and then decide if you will burry him or have the hospital take care of it
3 do a DNC which is where they put you to sleep parially dialate you then go in and remove everything, you wake up and its done.
we were instucted to go home and think about it then call with our answer.
When we opened the door to go into the hall, I was never so happy to see my two sweet daughters who had been coloring such sweet precious pictures for us. I hugged them so tight and didnt want to let go. We decided not to tell them until we got home that night.
Since the orginal plan was for us to meet after my appointment and go to the passport office to get our passports for Cancun, we decided we would still go, but when it came time for our turn, I could not even think. . I forogot half of the money, She asked me to write my address down on the envelope and I had to ask her three times what I was supposed to do, all I could do was stare at the envelope, it was like in the movie where everything goes to super super slow motion and you cant understand a thing anyone is saying and I could not even remember my Address, I asked Jeff what our address was, and he decided it was best to leave and come back later. . . .
On the way home we called our parents and they were so heartbroken for us and grieved with us.
but we asked to just be alone for the rest of the night cause I needed to just be with my girls.
That night we had family night and told the girls what had happened and how Heavenly Father has a different plan for our little boy. We made a teaching moment about it and our pupose on earth and etenal life and exhaltation. . . Maylee doesnt undestand yet, since she is only two, but Abby was sad and wished she could play with him. Abby has been praying in all her prayers that her baby brother will know how loved he is and that he can be healthy. So we assured her that he still knows how loved he is and he has felt that every prayer she has said. And that he is healthy, just in a different way. Abby was to start kindergarten in the morning.
That night I cried myself to sleep but kep awaking to the reality that felt like a nightmare and being scared to amke the wrong decision.
THE SURGERY
Jeff and I decided early on that we wanted to take the second option,. I wanted to be induced and have labor forced upon me in the hopes that I would at least be able to hold him, just once. But to have to burry him seemed so heartwrenching and daunting but to have the hospital take care of it seems so cruel and inhumane. but we decided to go ahead with the option of burrying him. That morning Jeff, me and Maylee took Abby to her first day of kindergarten. she looked darling and was so excited ( another story I need to still write about) we came home and I called the nurse to let her know we decided on the 24 hour labor. she asked if I heard about the third option and I said yes but we dont want to do that. So she said she would schedule the appointment and call me back. A couple of hours later she called me back and told me she didnt feel right about the situation. so she went back through the ultrasound and did measurements and really studied it and realized that the baby was detiorating very rapidly and was not the size of a 19 weeks old baby, that he was really really small and that all the components nay not be in place anymore because his body is caing in and is just deteriating so fast. She told me she never tells her patients what to do, but in this case she feels that really my only option is the third option, the DNC. if I was to do any other option I would have regrets and what I saw would be haunting because it would look nothing like a baby, not even put together all the way. She apologized for being so graphic but she felt like she needed to tell me. And really as hard as that was to hear, I needed her to be so truthful and it was a blessing that she went back and studied that more, because this literally was a decsion I was scared to make for fear of making the wrong one.
August 30th was my surgery, JEff and I had to be at the hospital at 6:00 am so my mom came over really early and watched the girls. The first room they took me into I just started to sob when they closed the door because it was the tiniest room with no window or decorations and just a tiny little bed and the equipment. This was not how I wanted it to be.. . delivering him in a cold small room on a hard small bed. . . but I found out this was just the room to sedate me, then once I am asleep they wheel me into the operation room and then back in here to recover. The set up process all went great and as soon as that anthestia pumped through my body, I was so happy and giggly and felt so good. The next thing I know I woke up and tried to sit up, but couldnt and I just lifted me head and looked over and saw two other patients laying in beds, then a nurse ran to me and I asked her if they had lost their babies too and she said no. . . and then I was back asleep again. . . I woke up again and was still in the operation room, but had to go to the bathroom so bad I felt as if I was going to wet the bed, so they rushed me to the bathroom, and not too be too graphic, but I bled so heavily. . . after three times of getting up to use the restroom, my blood pressure dropped down to 74/20 and I was about to pass out. . . ( normally the whole process from the time of check in to the time of check out only takes about 4 hours, ) because I was so far along in my pregnany, 20 weeks to date, I was bleeding alot more then most patients, and so they kept me there alot longer and kept pumping me full of that happy medicine that makes you feel like you are floating and giggle and just so happy but super super sleepy. Poor Jeff sat with me the whole time in the hardest rock chair, in that tiny small room with no decorations, and a cold hard bed. . . after 12 hours of being there they finally let me go home. I was so full of that medicine or happy juice that when I got home I felt so calm and happy and thought, okay everything is going to be okay. . . .
My Gesthesemne
The next morning I woke up and that happy juice was gone and reality hit me again. . . . That night I went to bed feeling so empty because with the surgery over and his body removed, I felt as if I had nothing left to connect me to him. He was completely gone, feeling so empty I sat in my bed and looked out into the sky wondering where exactley Heaven was because at this moment it felt so so far away. From the time we found out that our baby had passed away I have tried several times to pray, but for some resason I could not get the words out because everything felt so dark and empty and alone. I knew that God hears our prayeres, but for some reason I could not feel him near as I tried to pray.
I have been finding comfort or what little comfort I can in the love and support of family and friends, and in reading the sriptures and listening to the piano melody of hymns but the biggest comfort has come through My sweet girls. Being able to hold my girls, kiss their cheeks, hug them tight, smell their hair, hear them giggle, feel their sweet kisses on my cheek and to watch their chests rise and fall as they breathe the sweet breath of life. I would do this every night. Just lay beside them and watch them breath and Thank God for them.
But this particular night, I began to be so sorrowful that I would never be able to do this with my son. Never hold him, and feel his warmth, never feel his breath again my skin, never kiss his soft cheeks, never see him smile or hear his giggle, or smell his hair, or watch him peacefully dream at night. thse thoughts consumed me so much that I was brought down to the depths of my angusih and sorows that I physically could not bare it alone. . . I began to pour out my whole sould unto God, Out loud, every emotion, and worry and fear and question I poured out unto him pleading adn begging to feel a connection to my son, so that I could know that he knew with out a doubt my love for him, and that I could know with out a doubt that he is happy and okay. I yearned and ached for that connection and prayed with more emption then I ever have, so much that the pain in my heart was so intense I felt as if it might cause my heart to literally burst from the emotions I was sobbing out.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and still. . . . . . . the love and comfort I was so desperatly needing and seeking, did not come. I never in my life have fel to alone and empty when I prated as I did at that moment. I looed again outside my window but even the light of the sky I could not see. My room was instantly filled with darkness so much that I began to be afaid. I quickely turned on the light and in my head I sang the words of hymns that comfort me, still crying myself to sleep. . . ( I have to mention, during this time, Jeff had fallen asleep next to the girls in their bed while reading stories to them, that is why he was not with me at the time). . .
It has been 5 weeks now since we found out and still that connection I am seeking for has not come and perhaps it never will. Perhaps that is part of the trial that i need to endure, to trust blindly and wholeheartedly in Heavenly Father and his plan for us without having a witness.
Through this time I have been thinking of two scriptures that keep coming to my mind. . . . One where Jesus is hanging on the cross in all his agony and he cries out " My God My God why hast thou forsake me?"
and the other when Jesus appears unto his disciple Thomas and he tells Thomas blessed art thou Thomas because thou has seen thou has believed, but how much more blessed are they who do not see but still believe.'
I believe, I believe, I believe that all things our in our Heavenly Fathers hands and that he truley loves and blesses us for our good. I know that this life is a time to prepare, we will be tried and tested and have sorrows and heartaches of all kinds. but I know that when we faithfully endure these trials it will mold and shape us and prepare us for whats to come and to take our place with God as an eternal family. I pray and strive to do everthing I can to make it to that kingdom so we can be with our Son as an eternal family forever! I know that I am full of weakneses and that I fail sometimes but I know that through our loving Sacrifices for us,. he can make us whole and clean and when equally yoked with him he will carry us to the eternities. I am so grateful to Him my Saviour and his infinite love for us that allows us to overcome all things and gives us the stregnth to do so. I love him and forever am indebted to him. Until we meet again at his feet!
