"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for you good. Hope helps conquer discouragment! ". . . .(Preach My Gospel pg117)
I am learning in my life that when trials and discouragement come, when there are times that I feel like I am in the dark, my thoughts are all scattered as if they were in a washing machine trapped in the middle of the spin cycle, tossed and bouncing off every tiny wall waiting to explode but so compressed that nothing makes sense. . . . .when I feel that I cant trust myself because I know I am seeing things through a glass darkley, in these times there has been a constant beacon in my life that is my shining guiding hope. PRAYER!!
In the moments where my heart physically aches with pain, physically is being racked and torn apart, there is none else who knows the thoughts and feelings in my soul then my loving Heavenly Father. It amazes me everytime how quick he is there to calm my sorrow and make sense of the world again. Often in these moments of heartache, I turn to him in prayer, shortly after I always get a strong desire to read in my scriptures. I have never been one to open the scriptures and read front to back, no I usually search out the main emotion or problem i am feeling and study that, but most the time I just open up and let my heart do the searching and lead my eyes to the scripture i need to read.
I am always amazed at how a scripture that was written thousands of years ago, applies directly to me today. I often feel that a certain verse or line was written just for me! This is very personal but I want to share it and I hope that it will not be cast out and trodden upon because i hold it so sacred, but there is a scripture that even though I know it was written at the time for another person, still it has been the one scripture that has been the answer to so many of my prayers and toughest trials or decisions. This scripture is found in Doctrine & Covenants chapter 6
My first experience with this scripture, I was in the MTC training to be a missionary. I have never been so in love studying and reading the scriptures as I was in those few weeks. However it occured to me that there was a certain part of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a very critcal part I should say, that I never really took to heart. I just always thought of it as a subject I leased liked to learn and study about, which made me realize as I was in the MTC. . . . Oh my heck, I dont have a testimony about this. I dont have an experience where I can say, I KNOW that this is true and this is how I know. . . I didnt know, I beileved, but i didnt know, i never prayed about it, i never studied it, i just believed and that was it. . . . . Well how was i supposed to go out and teach the world about his very critical part of the gospel of Jesus Christ, if I couldnt say that i KNEW it was true. . . . so I started to get really discouraged and worried, which led me to deep heartfull prayers, and something interesting happened. I didnt get my anwer right away. I didnt get it the next day either,or the next. No I wasnt getting a sure answer that it was and this bothered me more cause I believed it was, it had to be, but I wanted my own personal witness. . . So I fasted, and my two compainions fasted with me, the next day still nothing, so I fasted again, nothing, I stayed up all night praying and studying, nothing, I prayed with tears streaming down my cheeks, nothing. . . . . two weeks later after several fasts, many many many prayers, hours of studying, I finally went to class and my teacher drew a graph on the board. Long story short he drew triangle and wrote three main topics at each point, his lesson continued about how these three points are the foundation of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and if you beilive in one then you know you have to believe in the other two because one cannot exist with out the other, so if you struggle with one of these but the other two you dont, then its okay, because they are all tied together and you can know that they are all true.. . . this really helped me realize that i had a testimony all along but where was my confirmations. . . Later that day I came across a this scripture in DC 6:15-16 "behold thou knowest that thou has inquired of my and i did enlighten thy mind: and now i tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of Truth
Yea I tell thee that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.". . . . .I realized that I had been feeling the spirit all along through all my studying, fasting, praying, I felt closer to Heavenly Father then ever before. I contined to read. . . . . DC6:22-23
"Verily Verily I say unto you if oyu desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things, Did i not speak peace to your mind? What greater witness can you have than from God?". . . . . . .. wow huh, He did answer my, all along, I didnt see angels or hear a big booming voice of thunder from the heaven saying "Aimee, this is true," but i knew in my heart and my mind that it was. I felt the peace, and more importantly I felt the love of a father who reaches out to his daughter in need and reassures her of truth!
My next experience was Two days after I came home from my mission, I meant my sweet Jeffery, who is now my husband for 5 years now. . . . We instantly fell in love, started dating in June, got engaged in August and set the date for Novembe 5th. As soon as he proposed, I was in 7th heaven, but shortly after the clouds of doubt started to come. . . "What the heck am I doing, I havnt even been home from my mission that long, I told myself I was going to date and date alot and for along time before i got engaged. . ." So those few months were once again filled with prayer, studying, many trips to the temple, but I was feeling so confused and scared because this decision was the biggest one yet, not only did it determine the rest of my life, but my children, my home, my schooling, my family, my whole future hung on this main decision and what if I chose wrong? Everytime I felt like I had gotten my answer and knew that I was supposed to marry Jeff, it seemed that shortly after doubt woudl come creeping in again and I would question if I was really receiving an answer or if it was just me wanting it so bad that i made it be a Yes. . . . . Well time was getting closer, the announcements were out, I had the dress, the shoes, the flowers picked out, the cake, the photographer, everything was ready, I was sitting in the temple really pondering my decision, when all of the sudden this scripture popped into my head, and it was like I had memorized the whole chapter. . . . but not only did the previous scriptures come to mind, but other verses too which helped calm my fear. . . . .34 and 36 "Therefore .fear not little flock, let earth and hell combine against you for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. . . . Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not. . . " Looking back I realized that Heavenly Father had answered my prayer in four different ways, all in seperate occasions and they were strong solid answers that i could not deny. . . . .I just was letting doubt get the best of me. . . . . I trusted in Heavenly Father, got married, and we now been married for 5 years going on 6 and have two beautiful daughters that I can not imagine my life without.
But this is not to say that marriage has been easy and all flowers and cake. . .and because we didnt date so long or know eachother really for that long before we were married it has caused many of struggles in our marriage as we learn our differences of opinions and personalities and how opposite we are on so many things. . . . This brings me to my last experince I will share. . . .and once again these are all very very personal and I hope that it can be read in the right spirit. . . . . I know with out a doubt that families are the very most important unit in all eternity. "Marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God and is central to Gods eternal plan for the salvation of His children." However because of this I KNOW that satan is doing all in his power to destroy families, to try to stop us from reaching our eternal goal, which is to be an enternal family and live forever with our loved ones and our Heavenly Father. I know that in these latter days he is trying harder then ever and we see evidence of him exceeding all around us by ruining and destoying the basic family unit. I know that he is working very hard on my own family, and I know because of the contentions and the negative feelings and the anger that has sometimes tooken root in our hearts and is slowly and not so slowly pulling our marriage apart, but like I said before, He will not win, I wont allow it, If anything is worth fighting for it ought to be eachother and more impornatly our familes! So I have been in the fight mode!! But every now and then I feel satan sometimes gets the best of me and creeps into my thoughts and feels them with doubt and regrets.
The last few years have been a constant up and down battle and when the majority of the world is standing in the large building pointing and laughing to those of us struggling to cling to the rod, to make it, its hard to stay positive all the time. . . . .so once again, my heart has been weighed down with sorrow and doubt and feelings of inadaquecy wondering if I am good enough to be the wife that Jeff deserves. What do I have to offer? What, if any, are the qualties that he loves about me? Well that darn satan has really had his thumb over me and made me feel no better then a squished bug under a large dusty rug. . . . .
One particular night I just felt hopeless, and confused, and scared. I layed there in bed, Jeff sound asleep, staring at the blue light from our dish reciever pretending that it was a light from heaven. . . . I was in a large dark room, but that little light even though it was so small and blue, so not very bright, it made me realize that help is still within reach, that nomatter how much I feel in the dark or alone or like a failure, heavenly father never leaves us in the dark, he is always there and he is the one person who knows our thoughts. . . . I stared at that blue light till it was so fuzzy from my wet eyes and cried myself to sleep. . . .. Two days later I decided I needed to wallowing in my sorrow and ask for help. I opened my scriptures, not sure where to read, and guess where my book opened up to.. . . . DC 6. . . But this time I think this scripture really had the biggest impact on me. . . .
" 13 If thou wilt do good, yea and hold out faithful tot he end, thou shalt be saved in the kindgom of God, which is the greatest of all gifts of God, for there is no gift greater then the gift of salvation. .
14. . . . . blessed are thou for what thou hast done for thou hast inquired of my and as often as thoe hast required thou hast received instruction of my spirit, If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. . .
18. . . . Therefore be diligant stand by my servant (Jeffery) faithfully, in whatsoever difficult circumstances he may be for the words sake,
19. . Admonish him in his faults, and also receive admonition of him, Be patient, be socer, be temperate, have paitence, faith, hope and charity,
20. . . Behold thou art (aimee) and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desire, therfore treasure of these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God and I will encircle thee in the arms of my lovd.
21. . Behold I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God, I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not, I am the LIGHT which shineth in the darkness and the dakrness comprehendeth it not.
37. . . . Behold the wound which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful and keep my commandments and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. . ..
So I am sorry if this came across as a preachy blog entry, but like I said before, though anyone is free to read these post, please know I write only for myself with the intent of working through my thoughts and feelings and understanding my blessing better. . . . .I am so grateful for knowlege of the gospel. I am grateful to know that even when i dont understand myself, I know that my father in heaven does, and he not only understands me but he knows how to help me, I just need to trust in that more and not let my hope die.
"Hope is the anchor of our souls. . . . Hope is trust in Gods promises, faith that if we act now, the desired blessings will be fulfilled in the future. . . . The unfailing source of our hope is that we are sons and daughters of God!" -President James E Faust (preach my gospel, 117)
