"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for you good. Hope helps conquer discouragment! ". . . .(Preach My Gospel pg117)
I am learning in my life that when trials and discouragement come, when there are times that I feel like I am in the dark, my thoughts are all scattered as if they were in a washing machine trapped in the middle of the spin cycle, tossed and bouncing off every tiny wall waiting to explode but so compressed that nothing makes sense. . . . .when I feel that I cant trust myself because I know I am seeing things through a glass darkley, in these times there has been a constant beacon in my life that is my shining guiding hope. PRAYER!!
In the moments where my heart physically aches with pain, physically is being racked and torn apart, there is none else who knows the thoughts and feelings in my soul then my loving Heavenly Father. It amazes me everytime how quick he is there to calm my sorrow and make sense of the world again. Often in these moments of heartache, I turn to him in prayer, shortly after I always get a strong desire to read in my scriptures. I have never been one to open the scriptures and read front to back, no I usually search out the main emotion or problem i am feeling and study that, but most the time I just open up and let my heart do the searching and lead my eyes to the scripture i need to read.
I am always amazed at how a scripture that was written thousands of years ago, applies directly to me today. I often feel that a certain verse or line was written just for me! This is very personal but I want to share it and I hope that it will not be cast out and trodden upon because i hold it so sacred, but there is a scripture that even though I know it was written at the time for another person, still it has been the one scripture that has been the answer to so many of my prayers and toughest trials or decisions. This scripture is found in Doctrine & Covenants chapter 6
My first experience with this scripture, I was in the MTC training to be a missionary. I have never been so in love studying and reading the scriptures as I was in those few weeks. However it occured to me that there was a certain part of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a very critcal part I should say, that I never really took to heart. I just always thought of it as a subject I leased liked to learn and study about, which made me realize as I was in the MTC. . . . Oh my heck, I dont have a testimony about this. I dont have an experience where I can say, I KNOW that this is true and this is how I know. . . I didnt know, I beileved, but i didnt know, i never prayed about it, i never studied it, i just believed and that was it. . . . . Well how was i supposed to go out and teach the world about his very critical part of the gospel of Jesus Christ, if I couldnt say that i KNEW it was true. . . . so I started to get really discouraged and worried, which led me to deep heartfull prayers, and something interesting happened. I didnt get my anwer right away. I didnt get it the next day either,or the next. No I wasnt getting a sure answer that it was and this bothered me more cause I believed it was, it had to be, but I wanted my own personal witness. . . So I fasted, and my two compainions fasted with me, the next day still nothing, so I fasted again, nothing, I stayed up all night praying and studying, nothing, I prayed with tears streaming down my cheeks, nothing. . . . . two weeks later after several fasts, many many many prayers, hours of studying, I finally went to class and my teacher drew a graph on the board. Long story short he drew triangle and wrote three main topics at each point, his lesson continued about how these three points are the foundation of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and if you beilive in one then you know you have to believe in the other two because one cannot exist with out the other, so if you struggle with one of these but the other two you dont, then its okay, because they are all tied together and you can know that they are all true.. . . this really helped me realize that i had a testimony all along but where was my confirmations. . . Later that day I came across a this scripture in DC 6:15-16 "behold thou knowest that thou has inquired of my and i did enlighten thy mind: and now i tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of Truth
Yea I tell thee that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.". . . . .I realized that I had been feeling the spirit all along through all my studying, fasting, praying, I felt closer to Heavenly Father then ever before. I contined to read. . . . . DC6:22-23
"Verily Verily I say unto you if oyu desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things, Did i not speak peace to your mind? What greater witness can you have than from God?". . . . . . .. wow huh, He did answer my, all along, I didnt see angels or hear a big booming voice of thunder from the heaven saying "Aimee, this is true," but i knew in my heart and my mind that it was. I felt the peace, and more importantly I felt the love of a father who reaches out to his daughter in need and reassures her of truth!
My next experience was Two days after I came home from my mission, I meant my sweet Jeffery, who is now my husband for 5 years now. . . . We instantly fell in love, started dating in June, got engaged in August and set the date for Novembe 5th. As soon as he proposed, I was in 7th heaven, but shortly after the clouds of doubt started to come. . . "What the heck am I doing, I havnt even been home from my mission that long, I told myself I was going to date and date alot and for along time before i got engaged. . ." So those few months were once again filled with prayer, studying, many trips to the temple, but I was feeling so confused and scared because this decision was the biggest one yet, not only did it determine the rest of my life, but my children, my home, my schooling, my family, my whole future hung on this main decision and what if I chose wrong? Everytime I felt like I had gotten my answer and knew that I was supposed to marry Jeff, it seemed that shortly after doubt woudl come creeping in again and I would question if I was really receiving an answer or if it was just me wanting it so bad that i made it be a Yes. . . . . Well time was getting closer, the announcements were out, I had the dress, the shoes, the flowers picked out, the cake, the photographer, everything was ready, I was sitting in the temple really pondering my decision, when all of the sudden this scripture popped into my head, and it was like I had memorized the whole chapter. . . . but not only did the previous scriptures come to mind, but other verses too which helped calm my fear. . . . .34 and 36 "Therefore .fear not little flock, let earth and hell combine against you for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. . . . Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not. . . " Looking back I realized that Heavenly Father had answered my prayer in four different ways, all in seperate occasions and they were strong solid answers that i could not deny. . . . .I just was letting doubt get the best of me. . . . . I trusted in Heavenly Father, got married, and we now been married for 5 years going on 6 and have two beautiful daughters that I can not imagine my life without.
But this is not to say that marriage has been easy and all flowers and cake. . .and because we didnt date so long or know eachother really for that long before we were married it has caused many of struggles in our marriage as we learn our differences of opinions and personalities and how opposite we are on so many things. . . . This brings me to my last experince I will share. . . .and once again these are all very very personal and I hope that it can be read in the right spirit. . . . . I know with out a doubt that families are the very most important unit in all eternity. "Marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God and is central to Gods eternal plan for the salvation of His children." However because of this I KNOW that satan is doing all in his power to destroy families, to try to stop us from reaching our eternal goal, which is to be an enternal family and live forever with our loved ones and our Heavenly Father. I know that in these latter days he is trying harder then ever and we see evidence of him exceeding all around us by ruining and destoying the basic family unit. I know that he is working very hard on my own family, and I know because of the contentions and the negative feelings and the anger that has sometimes tooken root in our hearts and is slowly and not so slowly pulling our marriage apart, but like I said before, He will not win, I wont allow it, If anything is worth fighting for it ought to be eachother and more impornatly our familes! So I have been in the fight mode!! But every now and then I feel satan sometimes gets the best of me and creeps into my thoughts and feels them with doubt and regrets.
The last few years have been a constant up and down battle and when the majority of the world is standing in the large building pointing and laughing to those of us struggling to cling to the rod, to make it, its hard to stay positive all the time. . . . .so once again, my heart has been weighed down with sorrow and doubt and feelings of inadaquecy wondering if I am good enough to be the wife that Jeff deserves. What do I have to offer? What, if any, are the qualties that he loves about me? Well that darn satan has really had his thumb over me and made me feel no better then a squished bug under a large dusty rug. . . . .
One particular night I just felt hopeless, and confused, and scared. I layed there in bed, Jeff sound asleep, staring at the blue light from our dish reciever pretending that it was a light from heaven. . . . I was in a large dark room, but that little light even though it was so small and blue, so not very bright, it made me realize that help is still within reach, that nomatter how much I feel in the dark or alone or like a failure, heavenly father never leaves us in the dark, he is always there and he is the one person who knows our thoughts. . . . I stared at that blue light till it was so fuzzy from my wet eyes and cried myself to sleep. . . .. Two days later I decided I needed to wallowing in my sorrow and ask for help. I opened my scriptures, not sure where to read, and guess where my book opened up to.. . . . DC 6. . . But this time I think this scripture really had the biggest impact on me. . . .
" 13 If thou wilt do good, yea and hold out faithful tot he end, thou shalt be saved in the kindgom of God, which is the greatest of all gifts of God, for there is no gift greater then the gift of salvation. .
14. . . . . blessed are thou for what thou hast done for thou hast inquired of my and as often as thoe hast required thou hast received instruction of my spirit, If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. . .
18. . . . Therefore be diligant stand by my servant (Jeffery) faithfully, in whatsoever difficult circumstances he may be for the words sake,
19. . Admonish him in his faults, and also receive admonition of him, Be patient, be socer, be temperate, have paitence, faith, hope and charity,
20. . . Behold thou art (aimee) and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desire, therfore treasure of these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God and I will encircle thee in the arms of my lovd.
21. . Behold I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God, I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not, I am the LIGHT which shineth in the darkness and the dakrness comprehendeth it not.
37. . . . Behold the wound which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful and keep my commandments and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. . ..
So I am sorry if this came across as a preachy blog entry, but like I said before, though anyone is free to read these post, please know I write only for myself with the intent of working through my thoughts and feelings and understanding my blessing better. . . . .I am so grateful for knowlege of the gospel. I am grateful to know that even when i dont understand myself, I know that my father in heaven does, and he not only understands me but he knows how to help me, I just need to trust in that more and not let my hope die.
"Hope is the anchor of our souls. . . . Hope is trust in Gods promises, faith that if we act now, the desired blessings will be fulfilled in the future. . . . The unfailing source of our hope is that we are sons and daughters of God!" -President James E Faust (preach my gospel, 117)
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
When it rains it pours. . . . . and then comes the Rainbow!
The Rain. . . . . .
Febuary is supposed to be the month of love. Well it seems like every feb my love is put to the test. . . . . This is not going to be very clear, because i have so many thoughts and feelings right now and the best way i know to express those is just ot write it all out and it doesnt always flow or make sense, but like i said before this blog, though you are free to read and comment and whatever, is mostley my own sort of therapy to release the emotions I am feeling in a some what positive way and sort through them to help me better understand myself, my situation, and what i can do better.and whatever adivce or input you can give or want to give will be taken to heart and very much apprecatied, . . . . so back to the test. . . . do you ever feel that when there is something in your life that you are trying to improve and strengthen that is when the floods really come.. . .because i do have people who read my blog occasionaly i dont want to give away to many personal details, but there are a few relationships in my life that have been tested to the top and pushed and stretched till sometimes you wonder if there is any hope at all of it getting better and staying better. Its seems to be a constant cycle of having great wonderful times thinking that this is the best of times, and just when everything is flowing and peaceful and happy, the moment I realize how good it is, the very next minute the mirror falls from before my face and good natured moment is instantly shattered, broken into tiny fraglile pieces again that seem impossible to pick up and put back together, but you attempt it anyway, and through whatever amount of time it takes to get it as normal as you can, allthough it will never be the same image as it was in the very first moment before that shattering all began, you do your best, you keep fighting, and you dont give up, cause after all we never give up on eachother, we never give up on love. if anything is worth fighting for it ought to be for eachother.
The Storm. . . . .
I once was told that having the gift of sensitivity,love, understanding, and the willingness to help mankind, understanding their needs even to the point where you are willing to sacrifice your own worth and values to help them, are atttributes to strive for, to adapt into your life and have the heartfull desire to help others and really try to lift them up is what i want in my life. I have tried to be that type of person that is not quick to judge but really tries to understand and support and makesure that no man feels like an island. But it is true what they say that sometimes when you really reach out and try to help someone in need, or stand up for them in a situation that you know is wrong, it seems that your own worth and values are questioned, and that the negativity and your worth is automatically devalued by the very group of people you thought would stand by your side. and sometimes that very person you are trying to help even turns on you and falls back to the opossing crowd, trying to save face and please them at your expense. leaving you all along standing in the middle of the storm of rage, anger, betrayel and maybe even hatred. In the end leaving you alone, to walk away with your heart shattered, your good intentions complelty rejected and even spat upon, and then ridiculed and cast aside. But all along knowing that no matter how bad the storm is, you cant give in because the natural man is a carnal man, and you know better then that, you know in your heart what is really right, and even though the very person you are trying to help and save from the opposing person who is tearing them down, even though that person you are trying to help also turns on you and uses you at his or her own convience, you still cant give in and allow the ridicule to happen. . . . . . this probably is not making sense, but I feel that sometimes the person you are trying to help is not strong enough to stand up for himself because of whatever reason, and even though you know in the end they will turn back to the group, and you wil be left to stand alone in the midst of trying to help them, I still dont give up because even if I have to defend him all by myself and even if it makes him turn against me because i am trying to help him see his real worth and great qualities, I know i will have to fight it alone, and not just the group but the very person that I love the most, because in the end we never give up on eachother we never give up on love!
The Rainbow
I have found in all the times in my life where I have been emotional tested to the max, feel as though my heart has been ripped out, trampled upon, and left for me to put back together piece my piece, there has been one person who has constantly been there for me and been my rainbow in the midst of the storm and that is my mother! No matter what I have done in my life, no matter what I am going for she just always knows. She is always always there to pick me back up no matter what and for that I am eternally grateful. And with that gratitufe I can mention my loving mother without giving thanks to my loving heaveny father who knows me so well and knew exactley the type of mother i needed in my life, and not only blessed me with that mother, but also blessed me with a best friend in that mother. I know I can always confide in her, always depend upon her, and that in the moments where i feel i have no more strenth and i dont know how to pick up all the pieces and put them back together, her love sustains me and is my rainbow in the storm, her love reassures me of who I really am, a daughter of a very loving and most caring heavenly father who i can come to in prayer at anytime or place and pour out my heartache my sorrows, my fears and my weaknesses and he through my mother gives me the strength to never quit fighting for the ones I love!
Unconditional Love. . . .
With Februray being the month of love, I can not celebrate this month without thinking upon our savior Jesus Christ. He is the ultimate source of Love. His whole life was about love, gave love, and died for love. I think about all the trials, and ridcules, judjement, hatred, the many times he had to walk alone, the constant prayers he poured out in behalf of the very people who were riduculing him, he never once gave up, he never once stopped being who he knew he was, Gods son, he never once let it discourage him from fullfilling what he was born to do, who he was born to be. Because of all his sacrifices, because of his love for us, because of him, we are able to overcome anything that might be placed before us, any trial, any weakness, any heartche, and sorrow, any sin, anything because he has promised to never leave us, he sealed that promise with his blood and through his blood are we made whole and clean and purified. I can not express into words how much I love my brother Jesus Christ. I cannot imagine my life with out him. He is my rock, and my comfort, he is that warm tender hug at the end of a long hard day, he is the peace in the midst of the storm, he is the beat in my heart that tells me to keep beating, to keep breathing, to keep fighitng, to keep trying, to keep reaching out, and most importantly to keep loving. So with this month celebrating Love, no matter how my valentines may turn out to be, I always celebrate that i have a loving brother, a savior, even the very son of God, who i know loves me unconditionally and that love will never change.
Febuary is supposed to be the month of love. Well it seems like every feb my love is put to the test. . . . . This is not going to be very clear, because i have so many thoughts and feelings right now and the best way i know to express those is just ot write it all out and it doesnt always flow or make sense, but like i said before this blog, though you are free to read and comment and whatever, is mostley my own sort of therapy to release the emotions I am feeling in a some what positive way and sort through them to help me better understand myself, my situation, and what i can do better.and whatever adivce or input you can give or want to give will be taken to heart and very much apprecatied, . . . . so back to the test. . . . do you ever feel that when there is something in your life that you are trying to improve and strengthen that is when the floods really come.. . .because i do have people who read my blog occasionaly i dont want to give away to many personal details, but there are a few relationships in my life that have been tested to the top and pushed and stretched till sometimes you wonder if there is any hope at all of it getting better and staying better. Its seems to be a constant cycle of having great wonderful times thinking that this is the best of times, and just when everything is flowing and peaceful and happy, the moment I realize how good it is, the very next minute the mirror falls from before my face and good natured moment is instantly shattered, broken into tiny fraglile pieces again that seem impossible to pick up and put back together, but you attempt it anyway, and through whatever amount of time it takes to get it as normal as you can, allthough it will never be the same image as it was in the very first moment before that shattering all began, you do your best, you keep fighting, and you dont give up, cause after all we never give up on eachother, we never give up on love. if anything is worth fighting for it ought to be for eachother.
The Storm. . . . .
I once was told that having the gift of sensitivity,love, understanding, and the willingness to help mankind, understanding their needs even to the point where you are willing to sacrifice your own worth and values to help them, are atttributes to strive for, to adapt into your life and have the heartfull desire to help others and really try to lift them up is what i want in my life. I have tried to be that type of person that is not quick to judge but really tries to understand and support and makesure that no man feels like an island. But it is true what they say that sometimes when you really reach out and try to help someone in need, or stand up for them in a situation that you know is wrong, it seems that your own worth and values are questioned, and that the negativity and your worth is automatically devalued by the very group of people you thought would stand by your side. and sometimes that very person you are trying to help even turns on you and falls back to the opossing crowd, trying to save face and please them at your expense. leaving you all along standing in the middle of the storm of rage, anger, betrayel and maybe even hatred. In the end leaving you alone, to walk away with your heart shattered, your good intentions complelty rejected and even spat upon, and then ridiculed and cast aside. But all along knowing that no matter how bad the storm is, you cant give in because the natural man is a carnal man, and you know better then that, you know in your heart what is really right, and even though the very person you are trying to help and save from the opposing person who is tearing them down, even though that person you are trying to help also turns on you and uses you at his or her own convience, you still cant give in and allow the ridicule to happen. . . . . . this probably is not making sense, but I feel that sometimes the person you are trying to help is not strong enough to stand up for himself because of whatever reason, and even though you know in the end they will turn back to the group, and you wil be left to stand alone in the midst of trying to help them, I still dont give up because even if I have to defend him all by myself and even if it makes him turn against me because i am trying to help him see his real worth and great qualities, I know i will have to fight it alone, and not just the group but the very person that I love the most, because in the end we never give up on eachother we never give up on love!
The Rainbow
I have found in all the times in my life where I have been emotional tested to the max, feel as though my heart has been ripped out, trampled upon, and left for me to put back together piece my piece, there has been one person who has constantly been there for me and been my rainbow in the midst of the storm and that is my mother! No matter what I have done in my life, no matter what I am going for she just always knows. She is always always there to pick me back up no matter what and for that I am eternally grateful. And with that gratitufe I can mention my loving mother without giving thanks to my loving heaveny father who knows me so well and knew exactley the type of mother i needed in my life, and not only blessed me with that mother, but also blessed me with a best friend in that mother. I know I can always confide in her, always depend upon her, and that in the moments where i feel i have no more strenth and i dont know how to pick up all the pieces and put them back together, her love sustains me and is my rainbow in the storm, her love reassures me of who I really am, a daughter of a very loving and most caring heavenly father who i can come to in prayer at anytime or place and pour out my heartache my sorrows, my fears and my weaknesses and he through my mother gives me the strength to never quit fighting for the ones I love!
Unconditional Love. . . .
With Februray being the month of love, I can not celebrate this month without thinking upon our savior Jesus Christ. He is the ultimate source of Love. His whole life was about love, gave love, and died for love. I think about all the trials, and ridcules, judjement, hatred, the many times he had to walk alone, the constant prayers he poured out in behalf of the very people who were riduculing him, he never once gave up, he never once stopped being who he knew he was, Gods son, he never once let it discourage him from fullfilling what he was born to do, who he was born to be. Because of all his sacrifices, because of his love for us, because of him, we are able to overcome anything that might be placed before us, any trial, any weakness, any heartche, and sorrow, any sin, anything because he has promised to never leave us, he sealed that promise with his blood and through his blood are we made whole and clean and purified. I can not express into words how much I love my brother Jesus Christ. I cannot imagine my life with out him. He is my rock, and my comfort, he is that warm tender hug at the end of a long hard day, he is the peace in the midst of the storm, he is the beat in my heart that tells me to keep beating, to keep breathing, to keep fighitng, to keep trying, to keep reaching out, and most importantly to keep loving. So with this month celebrating Love, no matter how my valentines may turn out to be, I always celebrate that i have a loving brother, a savior, even the very son of God, who i know loves me unconditionally and that love will never change.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Reflection
Have you ever looked into the mirror and wondered if others see you the way that you see yourself? Once again I dont know if this makes any sense. When I was in the dating stages of my life, I had wonderful fun dates. Fishing, Fourwheeling, Hiking, movies, dinner, riding dirt bikes, swimming in the lakes, all sorts of fun dates. But what I really wanted to do was just spend a day with that person doing the normal everyday stuff that person did. Eating breakfast, putting gas in the car, running errands, cleaning or doing chores, whatever they did routinly on a daily basis. I felt that was the real way to see who that person really was, not just in a fun planned activity. Of course that never really happened, cause who would want me to tag along with them all day, but i often wondered if the situation was switched, and there was one person who was willing to tag along with me and do those boring everyday things, what they would think of me and the life i led. Would i be boring? Would i be spontaneous to them? Or would I be just to random and unorganized, with at least one thing going wrong everyday. . .
Now that I have been married for 5 years and have two beautiful daughters, looking back I think what I was really trying to find was not someone that wanted to learn who I was by tagging along with me all day, but more someone who understood my thought process. Someone who understood why I did the things I did and why I had the strong values that I do, and not only understand but Love me for the things that defined me, love me despite all my many many weaknesses and bad habits, (like my pepsi addiction, lol), but love me inspite of all that, love me because of who I was and who I was trying to become. But five years later and I am still wondering if who I see when I look in the mirror is the same person that others more importantly, my husband sees. Sometimes I feel like we really are from two different planets. I know that is normal though because lets face it Who will be ever be able to fully understand the opposite sex? Especially asking a male to fully understand a female is out of this world, because I dont even fully understand myself half of the time, lol, and to expect someone else to is crazy. But on the other hand, the things that I really take pride in are the things that I thought were my strong attributes that others would respect about me and maybe admire, I am finding out they are some of the things that cause the biggest contention. I dont want to go into full detail, but sometimes i just wonder if who I see myself as, is really not that great in comparison to what others see me as and what they wish I were more like. The atrributes that I thought were my greatest strengths or qualtities, now seem to be the things that the other now despise in me, or what causes the greatest contention, what they see as my great weakness, or see it not being a strong attribute at all in my life. So am I wrong, am I seeing myself through a glass darkley? Am I not who I really thought I was or if I am, is my standards too low? And if so then what do I have to offer that is of some value? If what I thought my strengths were, really are not strengths at all, but a more what I am faliling at miserably, and what is causing others to think I am extremely selfish because I stand by that value, then it leaves me feeling totally devalued and helpless and wondering if I am not good enough for that person. Sometimes I just feel like my candle flame that once was burning bright is now just small flicker, occasionally inspiration comes and I feel that flicker shine bright once again, but it is not long before the contetion comes and my spirit dims and the flicker struggles to stay lit. . . . All I can say is thank goodness for my two amazing wonderful daughters who are my ray of sunshine and hope and who love me unconditionally. I can not even describe into words how much I love them. They are my whole joy, my breath of fresh air, my reason for being, and my inspiration to be so much more and I just pray that I can be the mother they deserve and not only deserve but a mother who inspires them, who encourages them, who teaches them, and who gives them the wings to soar, a mother who never lets them down or dissappoints them, a mother who they know will do anything at all costs to be there for them no matter what and to help them in any situation. . . . . . ..
Maybe this is why I am struggling so bad is I am scared to fail! I am scared that maybe when I thought I was doing everything for the good of my children, and then am told that I am failing, I am scared that my choices and decisions are wrong? It is so scary to know that the life of your children are in your hands, it is from you that they learn all they need to prepare them for their own life. and what if I fail?? Well I Cant, that is not an option, so despite the contention, or devaluing remarks of others, the one and only person who I know will not fail me or lead me astray is my Heavenly Father. As long as I turn to him constantly and really strive to be intune with his spirit and seeking his guidance day and night, then I know I will not fail! I love my girls, I love being a mother, and if nothing else, this is what brings me the greatest happiness and makes my life meaningful and gives that life purpose and value.
Now that I have been married for 5 years and have two beautiful daughters, looking back I think what I was really trying to find was not someone that wanted to learn who I was by tagging along with me all day, but more someone who understood my thought process. Someone who understood why I did the things I did and why I had the strong values that I do, and not only understand but Love me for the things that defined me, love me despite all my many many weaknesses and bad habits, (like my pepsi addiction, lol), but love me inspite of all that, love me because of who I was and who I was trying to become. But five years later and I am still wondering if who I see when I look in the mirror is the same person that others more importantly, my husband sees. Sometimes I feel like we really are from two different planets. I know that is normal though because lets face it Who will be ever be able to fully understand the opposite sex? Especially asking a male to fully understand a female is out of this world, because I dont even fully understand myself half of the time, lol, and to expect someone else to is crazy. But on the other hand, the things that I really take pride in are the things that I thought were my strong attributes that others would respect about me and maybe admire, I am finding out they are some of the things that cause the biggest contention. I dont want to go into full detail, but sometimes i just wonder if who I see myself as, is really not that great in comparison to what others see me as and what they wish I were more like. The atrributes that I thought were my greatest strengths or qualtities, now seem to be the things that the other now despise in me, or what causes the greatest contention, what they see as my great weakness, or see it not being a strong attribute at all in my life. So am I wrong, am I seeing myself through a glass darkley? Am I not who I really thought I was or if I am, is my standards too low? And if so then what do I have to offer that is of some value? If what I thought my strengths were, really are not strengths at all, but a more what I am faliling at miserably, and what is causing others to think I am extremely selfish because I stand by that value, then it leaves me feeling totally devalued and helpless and wondering if I am not good enough for that person. Sometimes I just feel like my candle flame that once was burning bright is now just small flicker, occasionally inspiration comes and I feel that flicker shine bright once again, but it is not long before the contetion comes and my spirit dims and the flicker struggles to stay lit. . . . All I can say is thank goodness for my two amazing wonderful daughters who are my ray of sunshine and hope and who love me unconditionally. I can not even describe into words how much I love them. They are my whole joy, my breath of fresh air, my reason for being, and my inspiration to be so much more and I just pray that I can be the mother they deserve and not only deserve but a mother who inspires them, who encourages them, who teaches them, and who gives them the wings to soar, a mother who never lets them down or dissappoints them, a mother who they know will do anything at all costs to be there for them no matter what and to help them in any situation. . . . . . ..
Maybe this is why I am struggling so bad is I am scared to fail! I am scared that maybe when I thought I was doing everything for the good of my children, and then am told that I am failing, I am scared that my choices and decisions are wrong? It is so scary to know that the life of your children are in your hands, it is from you that they learn all they need to prepare them for their own life. and what if I fail?? Well I Cant, that is not an option, so despite the contention, or devaluing remarks of others, the one and only person who I know will not fail me or lead me astray is my Heavenly Father. As long as I turn to him constantly and really strive to be intune with his spirit and seeking his guidance day and night, then I know I will not fail! I love my girls, I love being a mother, and if nothing else, this is what brings me the greatest happiness and makes my life meaningful and gives that life purpose and value.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Comparison
We live in a world of comparisons, where people are compared with one another daily. Sometimes the comparison comes from others, but I feel it mostley comes from within. This week I have had a mini break through. Everyother day Jeffs friends comes over at 6:00 am to workout. They compete in traiatholons together, therefore they train daily. I am not the most organized person in the world, so I have a hard time keeping my house clean. Things are placed randomly around the house and it just seems there are piles of clutter everywhere. This is one of my most embaressing faults I have about myself. I have tried for 5 years to hide it and convince others that I am a wife that has a perfectly clean house where everything has its perfect place and remains in that place. Where not a spot of dust exists, everything sparkles and the house smells of warm baked pumkpin pie. Meals are out on the table at the same time everyday, but always a different creative menu to eat. After we eat I immediatley clean everything back up until its sparkles again. On top of doing all that, I want so bad to be the mom that has hers kids perfectly dressed, where I can run the errands, do the grocery shopping, pay the bills, plan a fun activity everyday for my girls, do my visiting teaching and church callings without any stress, and be the entertainer where I plan all these fun parties and stuff for friends to get together, and on top of all that have the perfect body for my husband where I can where any swimsuit and look good. . . lol. . . yaah this just isnt happening for me! I have realized this more and more since Jeffs friend has been coming to our house. At first I kept telling Jeff he cant invite anyone over cause its too messy and they cant see how messy our house can get, then when he convinced me that it is never perfect for anyone to come over if it follows my standards, i decided to stay up all night and into the middle of th night to clean everything, since in the day i am running crazy attending to every need of my sweet girls, but after many sleepless nights, I realized this wasnt going to work either. . . . .
The first time his friend came over and my house looked like a tornado had blown through here, I was humilated, and almost in tears. . . . knowing that his wife is the "dream wife" that is the most organized, cleanliness wife I know. Then the break through started to happen. I realized that I have been trying so hard to be exactley like all these other wifes that have all the qaulities that I dont. Suddenly what I have become was not good enough for anyone or even myself. I have been trying to become an exact copy of "the perfect wife and mom" and in doing so have failed at everything, even the stuff I used to be good at. How did I let myself become someone who is not happy with herself and who is embarressed to have others see the real me.
When I was a little girl I was always trying to be the different one. I wanted to find my own path, dance to my own rythem and be so unique. I would look for ways I could be different, like dressing different, finding new ways to do things. I remember a time I was trying to suprise my parents by mowing and fertlilzing the lawn. But I couldnt figure out how to fertilize and i wanted to be creative, so I got a big cup of fertilizer, and would walk around the yard, scooping out a handful and throwing it up into the sky to let it randomly fall where it wanted to like snow. I thought this was the best way and that my dad would be proud to know i found a new a different easier way to fertilize. A week later my lawn was covered in brown spots all over where the fertilizer has fallen in clumps to the ground.
Another time I tried to mop the floor without having to fill the sink up with mop water. I squirted dish soap all over the floor, and the took the sprayer from the kitchen sink and just sprayed water all over, so much that the floor looked like a giant bubble bath. I tried soaking all the water up with the mop but it just wasnt working, water and bubbles were everywhere and i was slipping all over the place. So i had a plan b, i went to my room, got my swimsuit on, and created a slip and slide on my kitchen floor. I had so much fun running and sliding on my tummy, back, spinning on my bottom and doing so many water tricks. Well needless to say a few weeks later we had a new kitchen floor put it, since I had ruined the old one.
The last example is I was trying to suprise my brother and clean out his fish tank for him. Normally when he would do it he would put all the fish in tiny little bowls until the aquariam was clean. Well i felt bad for the fish that they didnt have a big place to swim, so I had a great idea. I went outside and grabbed my large kid plastic kid pool that was the size of half my kitchen floor. I filled it up with warm water clear to the top. Then i put all his fish in while i cleaned out the his aquariam. When the time came for me to put the fish back in I had a problem. The area was too big for me to catch them and they kept swimming away. Well after an hour or so my brother came home and to see me still trying to catch his fish in my pool. He finally caught them all and they were safely returned to the aquariam suffering from stress. My second obstacle was realizing i couldnt just carry the pool out the sliding glass door and dump the water. . . . What was I thinking??? I spent the rest of the evening emptying the pool with cooking pots and dumping them in the kitchen sink.. . . a task that I will never repeat again. . . .
But with all these mistakes I made where things didnt turn out exactly how i had hoped or plan for, I didnt give up. I still was true to who I was, just laughing at the situation and learning my lesson, but trying again to be creative. . . I didnt let me failures discourage me and bring me down.
I dont know if this is making any sense but i have been thinking all night about comparison. Is it good to compare yourselves to others? On one hand I think yes because when you see a good quality or trait in someone else that you would like to adapt, like being kinder, having more love, being more organized, I think it is good to have people to look up to and to motivate you to become a better person. We are a growing changing people who can not remain idle. We need to be constantly improving and learning and striving for that which is good. But I think the world or the media in the world today has caused us to become so obsessed with not only being a better person, but being the best, better then the average joe. And somewhere in all of that the message has come across that who we are and what we have become is not good enough. Somewhere it is causing not only myself but millions of others i believe to forget who they really are. We are loosing are self esteem, we are becoming a more discouraged and unhappy people when we constantly compare ourselves with who we are not and are not satisfied with any form of achievement because we are so quick to find another fault in ourselves where nothing is good enough. I dont know of this makes sense or not.
I just realized that yes my dream and goal is to become more organized and have a better routine, and that is a good thing, but not to the point where I am hiding out and I wont allow anyone to come over for fear that they will think I am a horrible and disgusting person to have dirty dishes in the sink. . . .it sounds so silly when I say it out loud but we have to learn to accept who we are and find happiness in that with having goals and dreams to reach for and acheive.
It doesnt mean i can say, oh well i am just a messy person and that is who I am so i will do nothing to change that. That is not that answer, what I am trying to say is your true friends and family will love you no matter what and if I have a weakness or something I want to be better at , then keep trying and working towards that goal, while accepting the present situation. Hopefully my friends and family can understand that and accept it and if they come over on a day where I am not up to the standard that I want to be, that is okay because they know that I am trying, and one day hopefully sooner then later I will become successful and find a pattern or routine that works. But until then not to put my life or Jeffs life or my kids life on hold, just keep living and breathing, and growing, and learning, and striving, while appreciating the blessings that already exist in my life and find happiness in all things.
Okay, so that is me venting and sorting out my thoughts. . . . hopefully all my blogs wont be this long, but i just needed to get that out there. . . .
The first time his friend came over and my house looked like a tornado had blown through here, I was humilated, and almost in tears. . . . knowing that his wife is the "dream wife" that is the most organized, cleanliness wife I know. Then the break through started to happen. I realized that I have been trying so hard to be exactley like all these other wifes that have all the qaulities that I dont. Suddenly what I have become was not good enough for anyone or even myself. I have been trying to become an exact copy of "the perfect wife and mom" and in doing so have failed at everything, even the stuff I used to be good at. How did I let myself become someone who is not happy with herself and who is embarressed to have others see the real me.
When I was a little girl I was always trying to be the different one. I wanted to find my own path, dance to my own rythem and be so unique. I would look for ways I could be different, like dressing different, finding new ways to do things. I remember a time I was trying to suprise my parents by mowing and fertlilzing the lawn. But I couldnt figure out how to fertilize and i wanted to be creative, so I got a big cup of fertilizer, and would walk around the yard, scooping out a handful and throwing it up into the sky to let it randomly fall where it wanted to like snow. I thought this was the best way and that my dad would be proud to know i found a new a different easier way to fertilize. A week later my lawn was covered in brown spots all over where the fertilizer has fallen in clumps to the ground.
Another time I tried to mop the floor without having to fill the sink up with mop water. I squirted dish soap all over the floor, and the took the sprayer from the kitchen sink and just sprayed water all over, so much that the floor looked like a giant bubble bath. I tried soaking all the water up with the mop but it just wasnt working, water and bubbles were everywhere and i was slipping all over the place. So i had a plan b, i went to my room, got my swimsuit on, and created a slip and slide on my kitchen floor. I had so much fun running and sliding on my tummy, back, spinning on my bottom and doing so many water tricks. Well needless to say a few weeks later we had a new kitchen floor put it, since I had ruined the old one.
The last example is I was trying to suprise my brother and clean out his fish tank for him. Normally when he would do it he would put all the fish in tiny little bowls until the aquariam was clean. Well i felt bad for the fish that they didnt have a big place to swim, so I had a great idea. I went outside and grabbed my large kid plastic kid pool that was the size of half my kitchen floor. I filled it up with warm water clear to the top. Then i put all his fish in while i cleaned out the his aquariam. When the time came for me to put the fish back in I had a problem. The area was too big for me to catch them and they kept swimming away. Well after an hour or so my brother came home and to see me still trying to catch his fish in my pool. He finally caught them all and they were safely returned to the aquariam suffering from stress. My second obstacle was realizing i couldnt just carry the pool out the sliding glass door and dump the water. . . . What was I thinking??? I spent the rest of the evening emptying the pool with cooking pots and dumping them in the kitchen sink.. . . a task that I will never repeat again. . . .
But with all these mistakes I made where things didnt turn out exactly how i had hoped or plan for, I didnt give up. I still was true to who I was, just laughing at the situation and learning my lesson, but trying again to be creative. . . I didnt let me failures discourage me and bring me down.
I dont know if this is making any sense but i have been thinking all night about comparison. Is it good to compare yourselves to others? On one hand I think yes because when you see a good quality or trait in someone else that you would like to adapt, like being kinder, having more love, being more organized, I think it is good to have people to look up to and to motivate you to become a better person. We are a growing changing people who can not remain idle. We need to be constantly improving and learning and striving for that which is good. But I think the world or the media in the world today has caused us to become so obsessed with not only being a better person, but being the best, better then the average joe. And somewhere in all of that the message has come across that who we are and what we have become is not good enough. Somewhere it is causing not only myself but millions of others i believe to forget who they really are. We are loosing are self esteem, we are becoming a more discouraged and unhappy people when we constantly compare ourselves with who we are not and are not satisfied with any form of achievement because we are so quick to find another fault in ourselves where nothing is good enough. I dont know of this makes sense or not.
I just realized that yes my dream and goal is to become more organized and have a better routine, and that is a good thing, but not to the point where I am hiding out and I wont allow anyone to come over for fear that they will think I am a horrible and disgusting person to have dirty dishes in the sink. . . .it sounds so silly when I say it out loud but we have to learn to accept who we are and find happiness in that with having goals and dreams to reach for and acheive.
It doesnt mean i can say, oh well i am just a messy person and that is who I am so i will do nothing to change that. That is not that answer, what I am trying to say is your true friends and family will love you no matter what and if I have a weakness or something I want to be better at , then keep trying and working towards that goal, while accepting the present situation. Hopefully my friends and family can understand that and accept it and if they come over on a day where I am not up to the standard that I want to be, that is okay because they know that I am trying, and one day hopefully sooner then later I will become successful and find a pattern or routine that works. But until then not to put my life or Jeffs life or my kids life on hold, just keep living and breathing, and growing, and learning, and striving, while appreciating the blessings that already exist in my life and find happiness in all things.
Okay, so that is me venting and sorting out my thoughts. . . . hopefully all my blogs wont be this long, but i just needed to get that out there. . . .
last years attempt to blog and this was my only post. . .
Monday, January 4, 2010
So in church last sunday during sunday school we were talking about Gods mission statement, "For behold this is my work and my glory to bring to past the immortality and eternal life of men" I was thinking about this past year and how hard the Advesary has worked on our family trying to tear it apart. . . . long story short, he wont win. New years eve I was driving with Jeff and Abby, coming back from Pirate Island and shopping. Jeff was driving and I was looking at our windshield. The windsheild wiper on my side was broken so I could only see out through a foggy dirty window with smudges all over, but I looked at Jeffs side and it was complelty clean and sparkled with a clear vision. I could use so many analogies for this, but the first thing I thought of was how often do we see each other through a blurry window? To make this thought shorter, cause I could elaborate forever, I thought about Gods Purpose and how we are all children of God. We are all striving to return to live with him and be an eternal family. How often are we quick to judge and see eachother through a blurry vision, focusing more on each others weakness instead of strengths. How much more effective and good could we do if we only saw eachother as who we really are. . . children of God all stiving to return to live with him. We all have weakness that we need to learn to overcome and who are we to judge another for their weakness when we have to many of our own. If we could only help eachother to over come these weaknesses through love and through following the example of our savior. The advesary could never even get close to succeeding if we center our lives on Christ. I think one of my new years goal this year is to keep in focus Gods purpose, to follow our saviors example. Too not see one another through a glass darkley, but rather through Gods eyes. . . .I am so grateful for the gospel and for my family and to know of our purpose here so we can always stay focused on what really matters. . .
Thursday, January 20, 2011
the beginning. . . . .
Well here we go. . . . I thought for the start of the new year, I would become a blogger. However, I think I am going to do this a lot differently then most bloggers. I am going to post pictures, news feed, ect, but I also wanted a place where I could just write down my thoughts and ideas that I have. . . which I realize is not very interesting to most people, but I am using this blog sight as more of a online journal for me. . . . I like to go back and reflect upon the year and how things have changed. So here we go. . . . .
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